[2006.10.31 - 06:00 P.M.]

Thank FSM For Carb-Load Nights...

I was born thirty eight years ago. Well, actually, thirty seven years, three hundred sixty four days, twenty two hours and nine minutes ago, but who's counting? So far, thirty eight feels an awful lot like thirty seven. In fact, if I had to characterize my late thirties, I'd say they're the beginning of the "Steady As She Goes" phase of my life. Marriage, career, and overall life trajectory are going splendidly. Just need to keep a firm hand on the wheel, one eye on the compass, and make sure the galley is stocked at all times.

As birthday nights go, this one is off to a kick-ass start. Got home, poured myself a glass of Laphroaig, and opened my birthday gift from Tracy. And what did the World's Greatest Wife get me? How about a 30 GB iPod (black)? Oh yeah, that's a can't-miss gift right there. What a sleek, well-designed thing of beauty. I am presently downloading song 850 of 3489. Tomorrow, I will take to the access roads of my company's campus as a full-fledged member of Generation Pod.

Tracy just put a home-made pecan pie in the oven, and after the parade of rug-rats passes through our neighborhood she's going to make this incredible sausage and farfalle pasta recipe she got from Bon Appetit. Yes, you could say my woman's taking good care of the Birthday Boy.

Oh, and I've moved on to Samiclaus now. (Thanks again, Angelos.)

(sigh)

Life is very, very good.

Update: Chris Murphy's campaign manager's kid brother just trick-or-treated our house. Seemed like a nice, earnest little kid. Kinda chubby. Reminded me of... Me.

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[2006.10.30 - 12:00 P.M.]

This morning, I stumbled across one of the most vile things I've ever seen on the internets, and as I'm sure you know, that's sayin' something. Digby links to this extraordinary screed by former Bush speech writer Paul Burgess titled, charmingly, "Friends, Neighbors, and Countrymen of the Left: I Hate Your Lying Guts". Here's a taste. Try to keep your lunch down:

I now hate Howard Dean, the elected leader of the Democrats, who, by repeatedly stating his conviction that we won't win in Iraq, bets his party's future on our nation's defeat.

I hate the Democrats who, in support of this strategy, spout lie after lie: that the president knew in advance there were no WMD in Iraq; that he lied to Congress to gain its support for military action; that he pushed for the democratization of Iraq only after the failure to find WMD; that he was a unilateralist and that the coalition was a fraud; that he shunned diplomacy in favor of war.

Still with me? Good. Sorry to put you through that.

This is the kind of thing I'd expect to read out in the swamps of the conservative blogosphere. It is decidedly not something I was expecting to see published in a newspaper (albeit an obscure one) by a former administration official.

Well, Mr. Burgess, congratulations on bearing your black little heart. Let me respond in kind.

I hate you too.

I hate you and I hate the scumbags you worked for.

I hate everything you represent. I hate that your party is engaged in a mission to destroy everything that is -- or was -- good about my country. I hate that ignorant, self-righteous pricks like you are more loyal to your despot in the White House than you are to your so-called conservative "principles". I hate that, because of people like you, we actually have to argue about whether torture should be embraced as policy. We have to debate whether George Fucking Bush should have the right to yank people off the streets and usher them off to secret prisons where they can be held indefinitely without trial.

For all these things, Mr. Burgess, I hate you with a white-hot passion that someone such as yourself, with your second-rate mind and your morally-bankrupt heart, couldn't even begin to appreciate.

But more than anything else, I hate that you can sit out there and point your goddamned finger at your betters and call us liars when it is, in fact, you -- your party, your ideological brethren -- who wake up each morning, whip out your dicks, and proceed to rape the fucking shit out of the truth. How dare you take things that are matters of objective fact and despoil our public discourse by rendering them as "lies"?

You hate me? Good, motherfucker. I hate you right back.

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[2006.10.30 - 09:00 A.M.]

Time for a new TwoGlasses feature! Since I'm incapable of rational thought on Monday mornings, why not go around the dial and get up to date on all the TV shows Tracy and I watch? No reason not to. None at all! So here goes:

Heroes: This show is fucking fantastic. I love everything about it so far. Hiro is rocketing toward the Pantheon Of Great Characters. And the tag line? "Save the Cheerleader; Save the World." Are you kidding me? Genius. (By the way, don't tell anybody, but Peter's special power is that he can tap into everybody else's special powers.) (Sorry, that was snark.)

Friday Night Lights: The lush production values and fine acting are more than enough to make up for the sketchy football scenes and sports cliche overload. Matt Saracen is the young Drew Bledsoe. Oh, and my wife has a ginormous crush on the coach. I've never seen her like this over a television character. It's a little scary, actually.

House: House is back tomorrow! Woo Hoo! Prediction: Someone will show up close to death with really weird symptoms. After several failed diagnoses, House will figure out what's wrong and save them at the last minute. And despite the fact that this is the most predictable show on TV, I will enjoy myself because House is one of the best characters ever. Also, Dr. Cameron is jaw-droppingly hot.

Lost: So the Others live on a separate island. That's what we've learned. That's it. Well, that and the fact that they are total sociopaths. Rumor has it this show is on hiatus until February. That is some messed-up shit. Four episodes doth not make a half season, people. Speaking of hot, Evangeline Lilly incinerates my eyeballs.

Survivor: Still the best reality show on television, largely because Jeff Probst is the greatest game-show host of all time. Currently Rooting For: Jonathan. Currently Hate: Ozzy.

Smallville: Green Arrow has seriously reinvigorated this show. Awesome character. The Chloe/Jimmy Olson hookup, on the other hand, is absolutely not working for me.

The Office: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I like Jim's new girlfriend more than Pam. I know that's wrong of me. I blame the writers. And whoever the actress is who plays her. The new girlfriend, that is.

Supernatural: This show just keeps getting better and better. Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki have an amazing rapport, and the dialog is the best I've heard outside of a Josh Whedon show. The story arc with Sam being one of the Demon's chosen ones is developing nicely. Best Show You're Probably Not Watching.

CSI: Getting a little stale. They need to do something with the characters' backstories to amp things up, because the week-to-week crime solving is awfully dull lately.

Meerkat Manor: Flower is just a baby-making machine. Youssarian is the world's first retarded meerkat. And I miss Shakespeare. He was taken from this world before his time.

Battlestar Galactica: Still the best show on television, no question, but they need to stop beating us in the face with War On Terror allusions. Enough already. We get it: Bush and Cheney are Cylons.

Amazing Race: Last night, I admitted to Tracy that I'm rooting for the Barbies. She was not happy. I can't help it. They're hot and I just don't like any of the other teams enough to overcome the advantage that gives them. Sue me.

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[2006.10.29 - 11:30 A.M.]

9:00 AM: I have a vicious hangover, and it ain't all from the booze I drank yesterday. That Jets game is sticking in my brain like a friggin' splinter coated with acid. George Willis in the Post this morning and Mike Greenberg on ESPN's Mike & Mike were both making the predictable noises that you hear after a game is decided by a bad call. You know, stuff like "The Jets played terribly to put themselves in a position where the game could be decided by that call." Well, yes, the Jets did play like crap. They failed to stop a sucky Browns offense. They failed to make plays when they needed to. They failed in every conceivable fashion on their way to that last-minute touchdown pass. But that's football. All of that was football. Guys playing the game. And the fact is that, as shitty as they played, they were only down seven with a minute left. They got that seven. They got it. And the fucking refs took it away. Chris Baker would have come down half a body length in bounds on that catch. No question, no argument, no other side to the story. That was a touchdown. Period. Instead, due to a call that has to be in the discussion of Worst Calls Of All Time, the Jets lose a game they were on their way to coming back and winning. They fall to 4-4 when they should have been 5-3. I'm so disgusted I'm surprised I can even type this morning. I've got a football hangover, and it's way worse than the other kind.

7:10 PM: Jets tie the game 20 - 20 at the buzzer. Beautiful throw by Chad. Oh, wait: Jets receiver clearly gets forced out of bounds, and yet even while it should have been a touchdown, the scumbag refs call it incomplete. And on top of that, they refuse to review it. Jets tie the game, Browns win. Disgusting beyond belief. Good night now. Dear officials: Die. Just jump off a ledge and die. You are shit. You robbed my team of a tying play, and you are shit. I wish malice upon you.

6:20 PM: This is a debacle. Just a disgusting mess. TOP is killing us, and we finally get the ball back and what happens? Second play on offense of the third quarter, the Jets turn it over inside their own twenty. Just a soul-destroying performance against an inferior team. I'm dying.

5:33 PM: Halftime. Browns 10 - Jets 3. Could've been worse, but the Browns kicker just missed a chippy at the last second. Very disturbing game so far. The difference between being an entertaining .500 team and possibly going to the playoffs is our friggin' defense. They just can't stop anyone. It's like they have no will. It's like, if the other team has even the slightest interest in moving down the field, the Jets D steps aside and lets them. Unbelievably frustrating. It's not solely a matter of the personnel either. We had a lot of these same guys last year. For some reason, the switch to a new D coordinator and the 3-4 scheme is seriously messing us up. Just not happy with this. If this Jets D could just stop people, we could play with anybody.

Chadwick The Great

4:47 PM: End of the first quarter. Jets 3 - Browns 3. Chad just threw a pick, ending a second straight drive down the field. Not a desirable outcome, but I'm not that worried. The Jets are moving the ball at will. Now if they could just get a key stop or two on defense, we'd be on our way.

4:10 PM: Jets kickoff coming up. Let's take a look around the league first. Chicago put a predictable bludgeoning on San Francisco. It was 41-0 at the half, and it ended 41-10. Do they actually have a "mercy" rule in the NFL? Because you can't tell me the 'Niners D just stiffened up in the second half. Green Bay (with their terrible pass D) smothered Arizona, 31-14. Atlanta edged out Cincinnati 29-27. Tennessee beat Houston by a score of Who Cares to Who Cares. Larry Johnson held on to beat the Seahawks by a score of 35-28. Baltimore beat New Orleans 35-22. Wait, the Ravens scored 35. Where'd that come from? The Giants bored Tampa Bay to death in a 17-3 yawner. And lastly, Jacksonville shut down Philadelphia 13-6.

3:00 PM: Ah, the joy of being in multiple fantasy football leagues. Larry Johnson is going absolutely apeshit today with 132 rushing yards, 2 rushing TD's and a receiving TD. That's great because I've got him in my frat league. That sucks because Fridge has him in my work league. Highly frustrating. I will now make Steve Spurrier Face.

2:00 PM: Fuck Green Bay. Fuck Green Bay sideways. This is the second week in a row I've gone against my instincts to start someone against them because their pass defense is SO HORRIBLE, it's the WORST IN THE LEAGUE. Well guess what? Matt Leinart is 1-for-9 on the day so far. What the fuck is that all about? Meanwhile, Eli's down in East Rutherford saying "Wind? What wind?" This sucks. I hate the Packers.

12:00 PM: Welcome, pigskin fans, to Week 8 of the NFL season on the Virtual Couch. It is a crisp and blustery day here in the Northeast. The wind is really smacking things around outside. Tree branches litter the 'burbscape and there are reports of widespread power outages across New York and New England. We're keeping our fingers crossed here at Casa de Toast that we don't lose power, because let me tell you, not having electricity on such a promising Football Sunday would be a fucking tragedy.

This windiness, by the way, poses a problem for yours truly: Do I start Eli Manning down in the Meadowlands, where they're forecasting gusts up to 45 MPH, or do I bench him in favor Matt Leinart, who, while he is facing the league's worst pass defense in the Green Bay Packers, is also a rookie and playing on the road? After last week's "Let's Bench Larry Johnson for Chris Chambers" debacle, I am extremely wary of putting too much stock in matchups. But on the other hand, how the hell is Eli supposed to throw in that kind of wind? But on the third hand, I'm playing against Fridge in this league (huge Giants fan) so don't I have to keep Eli in just for the "Ha Ha, You're QB Is Putting Up Points Against You" factor? Arrrrrrggghhh!

Big game for my Jets here as they head into their bye next week. The Browns might be a 1-5 team, but their 5 losses are all to teams with winning records, and most of those losses were in reasonably close games. Which is all by way of saying that this game is not a gimme for the Jets. Basically, they need to follow the same offensive gameplan they showed last week: Get Leon Washington going to put the Browns back on their heels, and then let Chad make some surgical strikes downfield. On defense, they need to contain Ruben Droughns (note that I didn't say "stop", 'cause that's not going to happen) and avoid giving up any big pass plays to Charlie Frye. Bottom line, I think these teams are evenly matched on defense and about even on their running games. The difference will be in the passing games, where Chad is smarter and our wideouts are better and faster. The prediction: Jets 24 - Browns 13.

Our television lineup this afternoon features Giants versus Bucs on FOX and Jags at Eagles on CBS at 1:00 PM, followed by Jets at Browns at 4:15 PM. Crack a cold one, sit back, and let's talk some football.

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[2006.10.28 - 08:00 A.M.]

OK. I am off to Theodore's Blues & BBQ for the official Birthday Dinner. I am going there to chew bubble gum and kick ass at trivia. And guess what I'm all out of? Later.

Update: The correct response to the question "Guess what I'm all out of?" is "Trivia Answers".

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Fantasy hoops draft starts in one minute. Logged in this morning to discover that I have the last pick in the order. Very sucky, as the drop-off between the #1 and #12 guy in the NBA is pretty steep.

First two picks on the turnaround: Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. I love both those guys, but as cornerstones to a new fantasy team? Meh... Next pair of picks: Ben Wallace and Andre Iguodala. Solid... Rounds 5 & 6: Ben Gordon and Zach Randolph. Yes, I am a huge homer... Crushed. Oh, just fucking crushed. Two of the guys I was counting on getting (and I thought I was going after them too early) just got snapped up in the three picks before me: Charlie Villanueva and Brandon Roy. Instead I get stuck with Nenad Krstic and The 'Stache. I mean, I like Morrison, but, but, but... I need to figure out a way to trade for Brandon Roy. God dammit... Rounds 9 & 10: Rudy Gay and Andrea Bargnani. That's right, I just drafted a dude named "Andrea"... Bonzi Wells and Josh Childress. One round left... Randy Foye. Actually not a bad last-round pick. But, overall, I fear that my team sucks.

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Tomorrow, the Hartford Courant will endorse Joe Lieberman. Because, you see, what Connecticut really needs is six more years of representation from a man who's been on the wrong side of virtually every major issue for as far back as I can remember. Nice going, assholes.

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Who's About To Rock?
That Would Be Me.

Been meaning to share something cool with everyone. A few weeks ago I got a cryptic email from Litbrit requesting my mailing address so that she could send me a mystery package. "Huh," I thought, "What on Earth could this be about? Did she print up those 'Gore '08' bumper stickers she was talking about a while back?"

Oh, no. It was nothing as mundane as that.

How about an AC/DC For Those About To Rock t-shirt autographed by Brian Johnson?

See, in a long-forgotten comment thread at Shakes' place, many, many moons ago, I had chanced to mention that AC/DC was my all-time favorite band in the world, right? Well, as fate would have it, Litbrit and her husband are buddies with Brian Johnson and his wife, and when they got together recently, my friend and fellow blogger was kind enough to have my gravel-voiced hero put Sharpie to cotton for me.

I was bowled over, to put it mildly.

Thanks for the early birthday present, 'Brit. You rock.

slices

Goooooooooooooooooood Mornin', Readuhs! Rub that sleep out you eyes and belly up to the monitor. Slices of Toast: Saturday Hangover Edition is in total effect, y'all. Know what I'm sayin'?

Overheard in Casa de Toast, moments ago, as Tracy walked by my computer and glanced at the expenses pie chart on Quicken's start page:

"It's good to see that we spend more on groceries than on alcohol."

Yes, honey, I suppose it is.

Just so you know? This is my weekend, bitchezz. All mine. Tuesday is my birthday, see, but this is my Birthday Weekend. We've got some fun on tap. Think I'll indulge in some X-Boxing this morning. Got a fantasy hoops draft this afternoon. Then, tonight, my boy Fridge is coming up and he and Tracy and I are heading up to Theodore's in Springfield for beer, wings, ribs, and NTN. Then maybe home for a movie. Tomorrow? Well, football, of course, but it'll be an extra-special not-lifting-a-finger Football Day.

Oh, Birthday Weekend. Why must you come only once per year?

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[2006.10.28 - 07:15 A.M.]

2006: The Year in Sports.

Let's re-cap:

I ask you: Has there ever been a year when a more flawed, undeserving, and uninteresting group of teams have taken all of our championships?

I submit that the answer is "No".

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[2006.10.27 - 08:00 A.M.]

The cover story of this week's issue of Newsweek, "Not Your Daddy's Democrats", features this telling sub-head (emphasis mine):

"Hungry to take back Congress, moderates like Harold Ford Jr. have the GOP running scared. Would a Democratic majority go wild, or govern from the middle?"

That question, right there, sums up everything you need to know about the mainstream media's bias against the Democratic party. Newsweek is by no means a right-wing organ. In fact their stable of writers is more balanced and thoughtful than most, certainly more so than the execrable Time. Yet after six years of one-party rule by the GOP -- six of the darkest years in our national history -- they still buy into a set of tired old frames that judge Democrats by a higher and harsher set of standards than anything the Republicans have ever been held to.

I think we know what "governing from the middle" means as the phrase is applied to a potential Democratic majority. It means being deferential to and cooperative with the Republicans in the minority, despite the fact that they've been spitting in the face of their Democratic colleagues for twelve years. It means extending Republicans courtesy and respecting (in some cases re-instituting) the same legislative traditions which the GOP has gleefully sought to trash and smash to their advantage. Most importantly, it means not rocking the boat by aggressively reversing course on the right's destructive economic and social policies, but instead tinkering around the margins of the framework the right has created.

If the Dems "govern from the middle" in such fashion, then their expected win will be no different from a loss.

I think we know what "going wild" means as well. It means exercising oversight. It means holding investigations. It means saying, yes, past decisions are important, how we got into this mess is important, and the bad actors who brought us to this precipice must be held accountable. It means having the courage to call the White House on their bullying and incompetence, to say "NO" loudly and forcefully to a regime that has been told "no" far too seldom. It means obstructing bad policies when they need to be obstructed.

If that's "going wild", then the Dems need to break out the kegs, rip off their ties, and get those lampshades on their heads the moment they seize the Capitol.

One thing is absolutely clear to me, however: If the Democrats are successful on November 7th and they do the responsible thing, grabbing the nation's steering wheel, jerking it around hard and hitting the breaks, they're going to do it with the media in the back seat mewling and carping and whining about how wrong it all is, how sadly political it all is. I said it last week and I stand by my prediction: No way the media changes sides, not even in the face of an historic house-cleaning by the Democrats. Their frames are set, their bias in favor of conservatives runs deep, and it will take decades to fully reverse their thinking.

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[2006.10.27 - 07:40 A.M.]

So, my smart-ass prediction of "Tigers in Three"? Looking a lot more like a dumb-ass prediction now. Clearly, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. But then again, in this instance at least, neither did any other prognosticator in the sporting world.

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[2006.10.24 - 07:45 A.M.]

Caught the final thirty-five minutes of the last senatorial debate between Ned Lamont (D), Alan Schlesinger (R) and Fuckface the Lying Turncoat (I) last night. What an odd affair that was. Didn't exactly give me a good vibe heading into the final two weeks of this campaign.

Lamont was, to put it kindly, not at his best. His answers were often rambling and imprecise and, hate to say it, a little bit mealy-mouthed. Not the short, punchy, "on-message" Ned I'd been getting used to. But it was his demeanor that disturbed me the most. From where I sat, he came across as rattled and generally ill-at-ease. You just got the sense that this whole thing is starting to wear on him. Maybe it's the needling voice in the back of his mind saying "Damn, after all this work, I'm down double-digits in the polls to this jackass who shouldn't even be in the race!" I mean, I know that would certainly get to me.

Lieberman was his usual smug, condescending self, full of bluster and unearned self-righteousness. Nothing new there substantively, but at this stage at least his act is well-worn and polished, and I think that gives him an advantage. My biggest Throw-A-Brick-Through-The-TV moment of the night was not, as you might expect, when Lieberman point-blank accused Lamont of being a liar in his ads*, but rather a small, off-hand comment he made about Ned spending all his family's money, the implication being that Ned didn't earn and doesn't deserve the money he's got. Tell you what: If Lieberman's suddenly going to start making family wealth and connections an issue, he might want to take a look at his BFF in the White House before he starts in on Lamont. Say what you will about Ned's advantages in life, at least he did something productive with them.

It was the "lies" comment that sparked the night's bizarro theatre, though. Twice in a span of fifteen minutes, the first time immediately after Shrunken-Apple Head first dropped the "L" word, Lieberman was shouted down by hecklers. Actually, I should say he was "opera-ed down", as the leader of his attackers -- who we never got to see but who were apparently affiliated with - get this - Lyndon Larouche -- kept breaking into song in this deep baritone voice. The second time this happened, he was escorted from the building, but not until after a long interruption where Lieberman got to sit there on stage looking the part of the aggrieved martyr. (Although that could be his getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning expression for all we know.) Combined with the fact that it was Schlesinger who finally stood up and yelled at the guy, the whole thing just didn't play well for Lamont.

Speaking of Schlesinger, he was loose to the point of goofiness and once again provided a relief from the fierce tension between his two more high-profile rivals. He took turns being friendly to the other men on stage while savaging their records and backgrounds, and somehow he came out of it looking like the dandy. I'd say he doled out the lion's share of his abuse to Lieberman, which on balance could help Ned out. (Big surprise of the night? Schlesinger said he'd vote to get rid of "Don't Ask/Don't Tell".)

Anyhow, maybe it's just the stretch-run jitters, but I didn't get a good feeling from the night's proceedings. I just hope that wasn't Ned's last chance to get his mojo back.

*Lieberman's tactical decision to keep the focus on the "dishonesty" of his opponent is straight out of the Rove playbook. Lieberman has been flooding the airwaves with a constant stream of disinformation about Lamont, but he's neutralized any traction Lamont might get from pointing that out by blaring "He's Lying About Me!" over the airwaves 24x7. God, I hate this man.

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[2006.10.22 - 11:30 A.M.]

7:00 PM: Seven o'clock at night and my head's finally starting to feel somewhat normal. Of course, I just noticed I'm getting a sore throat. So, yay.

5:10 PM: Anyone else find the idea of a car that parallel parks itself just a little weird? I'm all for advanced automotive technology, but I don't want my car moving around on its own, thanks. Besides, if you don't know how to parallel park, you probably shouldn't be driving.

4:05 PM: If I ever say that I'm going to bench Larry Johnson again, just punch me in the face, OK?

4:00 PM: Game over. Jets win, moving them to 4 up and 3 down on the season. I just have to remind myself, whenever I start to get impatient with the defense, say, that I expected this team to win zero games this year. 4 and 3 almost halfway through the season is pretty nice.

3:49 PM: Nope. No defense at all. None. Kitna just marched the Lions straight down the field again and tossed a touchdown to Mike Furrey. This makes me insane. Our offense is just way ahead of our defense right now. Terrible. Jets 31 - Lions 24, and it looks like we're going to have to hang on for another nail-biter.

Oh, elsewhere in the league, the Houston Texans -- the Texans -- are putting the fucking boots to the Jacksonville Jaguars, leading 27 to 7 at the two-minute warning. Do not adjust your monitors. You read that correctly. I, of course, have the Jags in my suicide pool this week. Looks like that's over and done with. I will take solace in the fact that 18 of the other remaining 30 players also took Jacksonville.

3:37 PM: Leon Washington just ran in a reverse for another TD. Jets 31 - Lions 17. (My prediction for this game's looking pretty good, huh?) It'd be nice if our defense could actually show up and lock this thing down. I swear, it's like someone told them they don't need to play in the fourth quarter. Oh, and while I'm very happy for my Jets, I am one crabby fantasy owner right now. Three rushing TD's and only one passing? Picked a great week to start Pennington.

2:20 PM: Halftime. Jets 21 - Lions 7. Chad just had a pass picked off about a yard shy of the end zone. Came in a little high, Baker tipped it, and the Detroit guy grabbed it. No damage, however, as there were only about 50 seconds on the clock and Detroit ran it out.

2:12 PM: Kerry Rhodes just ripped a Jon Kitna pass out of the air. Unbelievable pick. He went over the back of the intended receiver, jumping about three feet up in the air, and just removed the ball from it's trajectory. Wow. If you had told me in August that I'd be having this much fun watching the 2006 Jets, I'd have laughed at you.

2:06 PM: Kevan Barlow just rumbled into the end zone for another Jets TD. God, I wish we could play the Lions every week. This is awesome.

1:28 PM: DAY-yum! Pennington just chucked a bomb to Justin McCareins for another TD. FSM almighty, what a thing of beauty that was. Anyone got any questions about Chad's arm strength now? Anyone? Bueller?

1:10 PM: WOO HOO!!! That was fast. Leon Washington, into the end zone! First career TD for Leon, and it ends a drought of over 16 games since the Jets had their last first-quarter touchdown. Sweetness.

1:05 PM: Kickoff, baby. J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

12:45 PM: The ESPN guys are batting around the following question: Tiki Barber. Hall of Famer? I say no way. Tiki's a nice little back, no doubt about it. But Canton material? I think not.

12:00 PM: Shhhhhh. Come on in. Stake your claim to a cushion. But please: Keep the noise level down. And no jostling the host. 'Cause, like, I fear I may vomit at any moment. Did I say I was hungover yesterday? Please. That was child's play. Today's a different story altogether. I haven't puked from drinking in over a decade (true fact) but that glorious run could quite possibly come to an end today. I was a bad boy last night.

On the flip side of this violently ill feeling that's plaguing me, however, is joy. See, all week long I've been assuming that, since the Jets are playing opposite the Pats at 1:00 PM, Tracy and I were going to be exiled to the local sports bar. Just for shits and giggles, though, I checked the program listings on Comcast and, lo and behold, FOX is carrying the Jets game. People, you have no idea how happy that makes me. I don't think I've ever been less inclined to go to a bar in my life. Cerially. In fact, I think when I go downstairs I'm going to kiss my couch.

OK, let's move on to the football. Jets versus Lions at 1:00 PM. Here's a prediction: Chadwick is going to air that motherfucking ball out. Three TD's and over three hundred yards. You read it here first. Jets win a high-scoring matchup. Let's say 31 - 20.

Across the dial we've got Patriots at Bills. There's a tiny whiff of upset floating around this game. They're playing in Buffalo, and while the Pats are clearly the superior team on paper, the Bills always play New England tough. Losman should have a pretty easy time with the Pats' pass defense, and if the Bills D is amped for this game... That's it, I'm calling it: Buffalo wins, 17 - 10.

Got a fantasy question for you. I have to bench one of the following: Larry Johnson versus San Diego, Kevin Jones at the Jets, Marvin Harrison versus the 'Skins, Laveranues Coles versus Detroit, or Chris Chambers versus Green Bay. Who do I sit? This is killing me. I mean, those last four matchups are unbelievable. The Jets run D couldn't stop me right now, hangover be damned. Can't sit Harrison. And the Detroit and Green Bay pass defenses are two of the absolute worst in the league. That leaves me the in the incredible position of wanting to bench Larry Johnson. Yeah, he's a super-stud, but he's playing a vicious run D in the Chargers, and he has Herm Edwards as a coach. I know I'm violating the Always Play Your Studs rule here, but what the hell am I supposed to do? It sucks having so much talent on one fantasy team. Then again, there's a reason I'm 5 and 1 going into week seven...

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[2006.10.22 - 09:45 A.M.]

McCarthy's Bar: Reading a book about a man travelling in Ireland while also writing my own Ireland travelogue provided a telling contrast. I found myself thinking not only "I wish I could write like this guy" but "I wish I could experience the world like this guy". McCarthy's way with detail is amazing. He enriches his stories at all the right points, emphasizing the perfect oddball characters and spending just that extra paragraph or two on some weirdly sublime facet of his day, so that the reader's experience is rich and comprehensive but never boring. I left Ireland barely two months ago. McCarthy's Bar makes we want to go back as soon as possible.

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[2006.10.21 - 06:20 P.M.]

Admit it, you thought I'd bailed out on this project, didn't you? Well, day nine is up. Just one day to go.

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[2006.10.21 - 03:50 P.M.]

Happiness? Happiness, motherfuckers? Happiness is being married to a woman who knows the lyrics to classic Def Leppard songs. Cool woman. Cool eyes. You got me hypnotized...

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[2006.10.21 - 02:30 P.M.]

Ever notice that Saturday is the slowest day in the blogosphere? Interesting, no? What do bloggers do on Saturdays that takes them away? Chores? Travelling? Are they all hungover? Are a disproportionate number of them orthodox Jews and therefore prohibited from touching their keyboards?

Speaking of hangovers, fuckin' wow. I have one of those hangovers that feels like you're having an out-of-body experience every time you move your head. A buddy of mine at work yesterday observed that his problem with hard liquor is that he drinks it at the same rate as he drinks beer and wine. Well, um, yeah. Me too.

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[2006.10.21 - 11:00 A.M.]

I've had this particular Question of the Week in my back pocket for a while, and when it came up in a comments thread here a few weeks ago, Tracy implored me to toss it out there. So here goes: Share with me your best cases of Mistaken Lyrics.

My best Mistaken Lyrics story ever happened in Las Vegas. Tracy and I were out there on vacation, and my buddy Ken had driven in from L.A. to join us for a couple of nights. So we're out at the famous Piano Bar in New York, New York, having a few beers and enjoying some sing-alongs when the piano men start pounding out a certain popular number. It went a little somethin' like this:

Day after day I'm more confused
But I look for the light through the pouring rain
You know that's a game that I hate to lose
Now I'm feeling the strain
Aint it a shame?

There I am, pint in hand, diggin' on my awesome singing voice (perfect pitch, no range), nice buzz going on, and I'm feeling it -- I'm feeling it -- here it comes, the chorus, deep breath, ready now, I'm beltin' it out...

Oh, give me the Beach Boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away

And as I'm reveling in my full-throated glory, I notice Tracy and Ken are staring at me in shocked disbelief. Then they start laughing. Just completely cracking up. And I'm, like, what? What's wrong? What did I do?

Five minutes later, after they'd caught their breath, they described my error. Beach Boys, beat boys. Who knew?

I've had tons of cases of Mistaken Lyrics over the years. My favorite band in the world, AC/DC, posed enormous difficulties for me as an adolescent. Their lyrics were filled with sexual metaphors that I had absolutely no decoder ring for, so my brain would frequently stumble over stuff like:

Let me put my love into you, babe
Let me put my love on the line
Let me put my love into you, babe
Let me cogitate with my knife

(Actual lyric: "Cut your cake")

So let's have 'em, people. What are your most entertaining lyrical misperceptions?

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[2006.10.21 - 09:30 A.M.]

So am I the only person who, when Bush said in an interview with Judas Stephanopoulos that the Mustache Of Understanding "might be right" that the current upsurge of violence in Iraq was analogous to the Tet Offensive in the Vietnam war, thought to myself "Bush has no fucking idea what the Tet Offensive was or what its significance to our current situation might be"?

'Cause that's what I was thinking. Stupid fuck was too busy snorting lines to pay attention to current events.

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[2006.10.20 - 05:00 P.M.]

No need to butter me up, you know damned well it's time for Slices of Toast!

Item #1 on the Agenda for this evening: Let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence for the 2006 New York Mets.

Mets fans, Tracy and I were pulling for you. Both of us were rooting for the surviving New York team to make it all the way, and I in particular wanted very much to avoid having that eyesore of a Cardinals team in the World Series. Alas, 'twas not to be. You went out in dramatic fashion though, have to give that to you.

Bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded, down two runs, and Carlos Beltran strikes out looking? What's the media coverage of that been like? If we're being fair, Beltran should be getting the full-on A-Rod treatment. There is no bigger choke for a hitter than that. There just isn't. Hell, at least A-Rod would have had the good sense to ground out. Striking out looking in that situation? Wow.

Anyhow, Mets Nation, you'll be back here next year, and if you have the good fortune to have your entire pitching rotation intact, I think you'll be representing the NL in the Fall Classic.

(BTW, for what it's worth, Tigers in four. Fuck, if there were a way for a team to lose a seven-game set in three, the Cards would do it in this series. Just a ginormous talent differential between these two clubs, especially on the mound.)

slices

OK, so I'm not gonna bullshit you. The new Q-Poll showing Senator Fuckface (I - Shrunken Apple For A Head) leading Ned Lamont by 17 points has me quite alarmed. I really expected the race to continue on a tightening trend. However, there are at least two big grains of salt that must accompany this bitter meal: First, this poll does not take into account certain very recent events, such as the second debate where Lieberman got pummeled and the sudden emergence of Alan Schlesinger as a bona-fide candidate. Second, the Q-Poll is not a fine set of electoral calipers. This same poll had Lamont over Lieberman by 18 points two weeks prior to the Dem primary, and we all know what a squeaker that turned out to be.

Still, the last decade has made me deeply pessimistic, and right now my gut is whispering horrible things to me. "You didn't seriously think the good guy was going to win, did you? Look, the electorate are sheep, and they're going back to the flawed but familiar candidate they know."

I hope my gut is wrong. 'Cause let me tell ya, we could win back the Senate and the House and start impeachment proceedings against Bush in February, and if that pungent pile of pomposity is still the junior senator from Connecticut, I'll be very unhappy.

slices

Tracy arrived from work a few minutes ago, and as she's walking around upstairs decompressing from her commute, changing into comfy clothes, I hear her singing the following:

Who's walkin' down the streets of New Delhi
Waving to everybody he sees
Who's sittin' down to protest injustice
Everyone knows it's Gandhi
(bmmm, bmmm, bmmm, bmmm, bmmm)
And Gandi has skinny thighs
And Gandi has sunken eyes...

Well, I was just speechless. Turns out this is a diddy that a friend of hers back in high school made up. And it's really windy outside. So.... well, there you go.

"Sunken eyes." Priceless.

slices

Mark your calendars, people, for today gives us a true rarity in the flux of events comprising the space-time continuum: I disagree with Salkowitz.

In an otherwise commendable analysis of the Democratic party's post-election future, should they win big, Rob states:

[W]inning changes everything. If Dems win in a couple of weeks, the rules change. The old slurs aren't going to apply, and the narrative that Dems aren't serious or have no ideas or can't get anything done is going to go by the wayside. If they decide to go after Bush or Cheney, if they want to put the screws to Rumsfeld to put a redeployment plan together for Iraq, roll back the tax cuts, or whatever, that's going to be taken seriously precisely because Dems will have the power to get it done. Without the glamour of power surrounding them, it is the Rs who will look weak and ridiculous, not to mention crazy and out of touch.

I can't say how much the "rules" will change in terms of inside-the-beltway political dynamics should the Dems rout the GOP this election. But I'll say this: In terms of the all-important media narrative, I think the sort of about-face Rob predicts is extremely unlikely.

As the Bush administration and the GOP's "movement" conservative project have gradually come apart at the seams over the last half decade, many have noted how the mainstream punditocracy has doggedly held on to their delusional pro-GOP storylines. I think the reason behind this is sad but simple: As a class, political journalists have made a semi-conscious decision to report politics not as a matter of policy and facts but as a sport. And they've definitely chosen their team. Frankly, as I said in the comments on Rob's post, I think they've got too much psychological investment in the GOP and the general awesomeness of movement conservatives to turn around on a dime and start cheering for the other side. It'd be about as likely as my having become a Red Sox fan after the '04 ALCS. Which is to say Not Very Damned likely.

For the second time in tonight's edition of Slices, though, I hope I'm wrong. If these punk-ass bitches turn out to be nothing but bandwagon fans, as Rob suggests, it will, in the short term at least, do the country a world of good.

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[2006.10.18 - 11:00 A.M.]

Head-On: Making fun of your commercials in your commercials doesn't make them less grating!

Head-On: Making fun of your commercials in your commercials doesn't make them less grating!

Head-On: Making fun of your commercials in your commercials doesn't make them less grating!

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[2006.10.18 - 07:30 A.M.]

Steny Hoyer (D-MD) is apologizing for claiming that his opponent, Maryland Lt. Governor Michael S. Steele, an African American, has made a career out of "slavishly supporting the Republican Party."

This is stupid and tiresome. Here's a newsflash: "slavish" and "slavishly" are commonly used terms, especially in politics. Five minutes after reading this, I ran across a post at Josh Marshall's site where he uses the word to describe the media's attitude towards the GOP. A quick Google search with "slavish" and "republican" yields 173,000 hits. It is the height of mendacity to suggest that "slavish" is a racist term.

That's what Steele did, however, and Steny -- being a Democrat -- took the bait.

If it were me, I'd have told Steele he was being disingenuous with his phony outrage and called him out for brazenly manipulating African-American voters. Then I'd have told him to stick his fake self-righteousness up his ass.

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[2006.10.17 - 06:45 P.M.]

One question about yesterday's CT senatorial debate: Why was the narcissistic assclown running as an independent on the "Yay For ME!!!" ticket given the center podium while the two major party candidates were off to the sides? Visuals matter, and in my opinion, putting that idiot center stage did a lot to reinforce his phony "centrist" image. That's bullshit.

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[2006.10.16 - 11:30 A.M.]

Scanning the Hartford Courant op-ed pages this morning, I came across this piece by Frank Harris entitled "To Forgive, Divine". It is about the reaction of the Amish to the execution-style slaying of six school-age girls two weeks ago. Harris opens with the following:

If a gunman were to line up the ones we love and mow them down before taking his own life, the gut feeling for most of us would be anger or hate for the gunman, quickly followed by a burning desire for payback and punishment, retribution and revenge.

Few of us would be so forgiving as to comfort the gunman's family; even fewer would be so forgiving as to attend the gunman's funeral.

But the Amish did.

Yes, they did. For that they are being lauded around the mediascape as morally heroic figures, as paragons of the lost virtue of forgiveness, and perhaps most nauseatingly, as "true" Christians.

It will not surprise you to learn that I disagree with this characterization.

Here is how I would describe the almost ostentatiously forgiving and pious reaction of the Amish: Sick. Not in the sense of disgusting (although I do find it so) but in the sense of being deeply unhealthy.

Were someone to kill a loved one of mine by accident, I could, at a stretch, perhaps find a way to forgive them. Were the killer to take a life that was precious to me in a momentary flash of rage, spurred on by some discernible offense, I could perhaps, some day far along the line, find my way to understanding and acceptance, but never forgiveness. But to have a child, or a spouse, or a dear friend taken away in an act of premeditated murder? To know that they were forced to kneel, that the killer placed a gun to the back of their head and deliberately stole their future, consciously chose to flush their life away? The proper and healthy response to that is not forgiveness, it is enduring rage.

It would make no sense to blame the murderer's family, of course, and I would never counsel the illogic of seeking revenge against those who merely had the misfortune of being associated with the scum that had committed the offense. On the other hand, choosing to comfort the killer's family in the time of one's own grieving strikes me as frankly bizarre. And attending the killer's funeral? The only possible reason I would do so is to shit on his grave.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but it needs to have limits. There are times when it is simply not a sane response. There are times when hate is healthy. This was one of them.

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[2006.10.15 - 11:22 P.M.]

7:18 PM: Final score, Jets 20 - Dolphins 17. New York goes back to .500. That's a pretty nice record, 3-3, for a team that most expected to win 4 games the whole season. But let's be real. The opponents' winning percentage of the teams we beat is .222 (4-14). Our defense just flat-out fucking stinks. We were just a missed Olindo Mare field goal away from letting a horrible team put 17 straight points on the board in the fourth quarter to tie things up. Joey friggin' Harrington was shredding our secondary, and everyone knows our run D can't stop anyone for shit. Our offense is Pennington to Coles and that's pretty much it. No running game of our own to speak of.

Don't let the .500 record fool you. This is a team with a shitload of work to do. They're not anywhere close to being a legit contender right now.

7:03 PM: This game just went from 20-3 Jets to 20-17 Jets in nine minutes. That's fucked up. You can't let Joey Harrington mount consecutive touchdown drives against you. You just can't.

6:29 PM: End of the third quarter. Jets 13 - Dolphins 3. Finally we're seeing some life. Beautiful hookup between Chadwick and 'Slaw for the 40+ yard TD. Then they force a turnover, and now they're driving again, inside the Miami 30. This is what I expected. The Jets are the better team in this game, and it's about time they started playing like it.

Tracy The Ironing Sporto Wife

World's Greatest Wife

5:35 PM: Halftime. Still Jets 3 - Dolphins 0. This is my absolute least-favorite kind of game. Incredibly low-scoring, defensively-oriented field position battle. I really, really hate this. We should be scoring on these guys. Their D isn't that good. Not like this is an old-school Dolphins team. But Chad's just not connecting, and our run game, as usual, is non-existent. Ack.

5:10 PM: Interesting. Fourth and about a foot at the Jets 27. The Dolphins are down three. Saban goes for it and comes up short (pending review, but they really were short). It's late in the second quarter and neither team has shown anything on offense. On fourth down and with that field position, wouldn't you go for the field goal and the tie? I certainly would.

4:49 PM: End of the first quarter. Jets 3 - Dolphins 0. The Jets D has picked off Harrington twice so far, and that's the only thing that's saving them, because they can't stop the Miami run and they aren't moving the balls against these guys. Man, is there any flaw that's more frustrating to have in your team than a bad run defense? I don't think so. It's excruciating. In the absence of boner plays and turnovers (which we've been lucky enough to get so far), letting the other team run lets them control the friggin' game. Mangini needs to get this 3-4 scheme working pronto.

4:25 PM: Ten clock minutes and three game minutes into the Jets game, and CBS still hasn't switched over. They've decided to show us the end of the oh-so-exciting Bengals versus Bucs matchup. Hey, Fuckwads: I don't give a shit about the end of close early games between random teams. I live in the northeast, and I'm a Jets fan, and that's the game you're supposed to be showing. Switch your fucking coverage. NOW.

4:05 PM: So here's how our early games are wrapping up. The Cowboys woke up and shellacked the Texans. Bledsoe did just enough with two TD's that I won't feel like a complete chump for starting him over Pennington in my frat league even if Chad goes nuts. The Giants waited until they had spotted the Falcons two scores -- you know, just to make it interesting -- and then came roaring back. Eli hooked up with Shockey twice, and they lead by two scores with a little over two minutes left. Philly and New Orleans are tied with eight minutes left. Detroit, which led Buffalo by a bunch early, is trying to hold on, up 3 at the warning. Carolina, likewise, is trying to hold on against Baltimore, up two with two to go. Cincinnati leads Tampa Bay by a TD in the Yawner of the Day so far. Seattle, down two TD's early to Saint Louis, mounted the big comeback and is trying to hold on up six with two and change left. And finally, the Shocker of the Day, the Titans lead the Redskins by a field goal with a little under five minutes left.

3:05 PM: Random thought. I was just telling Tracy about Chemist's Mexican coffee concoction, and it reminded me of the time I tried mixing Guinness (old-style bottle) with coffee. That didn't work out so well. Hot, carbonated beverage? Ugh. But I think I just hit on the solution: What if you threw a couple of shots of espresso (cooled) into a pint of Guinness? I think that would work.

2:20 PM: NFL announcers have, at long last, stopped trying to sell Michael Vick as a dominant quarterback, as the "Michael Jordan" of the NFL. But that doesn't mean they've stopped sucking his dick. Instead of telling us how great he is -- a claim which is belied by years of evidence -- now they're falling back on the vaguer, more subjective claim that he's "exciting". The FOX Sports halftime crew certainly thinks he's "exciting". They told me half a dozen times in a ten minute span how "exciting" he is. Jimmy Smith assures me that Vick is the "most exciting" player in the NFL.

I guess it depends what excites you. Personally, I find well-executed plays far more "exciting" than random scrambling around. But maybe that's just me.

1:34 PM: This Giants-Falcons game is a fucking sloppy mess. Two interceptions each for Vick and Eli. What the hell's that all about? I hate sloppy games.

12:35 PM: Three weeks ago, I received an issue of Sports Illustrated with a big warning wrapper on it proclaiming that this was my last chance to renew and guarantee no disruption in service. Two weeks ago, I received an issue with another warning wrapper stating that this was my Last Issue! This week I received the latest issue. No warning wrapper. So let's see: I'm going to put the over/under for "Number of Weeks I Keep Receiving SI After My Subscription Has Expired" at six. Place your bets.

Nothing wrong with SI mind you. It's a good enough magazine; it's just ridiculously over-priced. I get ESPN Magazine for free with my Insider subscription, and there's more than enough sports content available online to keep me busy all week long. So there you go. Sorry, SI, but if I can get 50 issues of Newsweek for $19.95, I sure as hell shouldn't have to pay almost $80 a year for the same number of issues from you guys. But keep sending me the free ones. I'll read 'em.

11:22 PM: Week 6 has arrived. It's the middle of October, the most beautiful month of the year here in New England. The leaves have turned outside our window and the air is crisp and pleasantly cool, which means the NFL season must be heating up.

Here in the Hartford market, we've got Giants at Falcons and Cowboys at Texans for the one o'clock appetizers, followed by the main course, Jets vs. Dolphins, at four. Should be a very entertaining day. I've got a strong, confident feeling that Jets are going to have a nice bounce-back game against Miami after the embarrassing beating they took from the Jags last week. This is not a team that's going to fold because of one bad game. The 'Phins have a bevy of flaws to be exploited, especially on offense. Mangini will have them prepared, they'll come out emotionally revved up, and Gang Green will get their first win at home.

Grab a cushion and crack open a beer. I'll be having whisky and wine, myself, as I'm in the final day of an aggressive transition period back to a low carb* diet. That's right, the old "Let's just try to exercise a lot and wing it on the food side" approach has failed utterly. After looking in the mirror and seeing that I had morphed into a slice of Texas Toast, I decided to go back to the only diet that's ever worked for me. Thank FSM I dearly love fat and protein. (*It's actually a carbohydrate-cycling diet, but as a practical matter it's low carb most of the time.)

Anyhow, kickoff in 1:38. Let's get this party started.

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[2006.10.14 - 05:30 P.M.]

Team America: World Police: Trey Parker and Matt Stone are a pair of obnoxious twits whose politics are dangerously naive and deeply immature. They're also wicked fuckin' funny. This movie wasn't as non-stop hysterical as Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, but even a B+ effort from those two idiots is enough to make me almost spit out my drink half a dozen times. (The puke scene? That was so me circa 1988 that I started having a flashback.) Oh, and there's a certain call-and-response that'll be going on all night at the Toast household. Fuck yeah.

Expected Rating: 8.0 -- Actual Rating: 6.5

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[2006.10.14 - 03:00 P.M.]

Dinesh D'Souza's upcoming book, The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11, And No, This Subtitle Is, Like, Totally Serious, is the sort of tract that makes me daydream about tracking down the author and going all Albert Haynesworth on him. Because let's face it, engaging in a harmless little daydream is more rewarding than taking up the tedious and never-ending task of refuting the shamefully dishonest and repulsive arguments these right-wing clowns keep putting out there, all of which seem to boil down to "Everything is the fault of the traitorous and amoral liberals in our midst."

But D'Souza's book really does demand a thoughtful response. Good thing for all of us that James Wolcott is on the case. He's been ripping D'Souza a new one for days on end in the most devastatingly entertaining fashion. I strongly recommend you check out this rampage. Start here and scroll up.

Before you go, let me pose a question. D'Souza's premise -- and yeah, I know it's actually just a big smelly heap of illogic and libel, but let's call it a "premise" for now -- is that the Muslim world's real beef with America doesn't stem from our foreign policy meddling in the Middle East but rather is driven by disgust at the immorality of our culture. As you'd expect given the defective notions of "morality" that hold sway on the right, he's specifically thinking of our culture's sexual excesses. Too much raunch, too much porn, and way too much gayness. In other words, D'Souza thinks the terrorists are angry with us for a specific set of behaviors which harm no one*, are enjoyable to many, and are none of anybody else's goddamned business anyhow. And his recommended response to the acts of violence and intimidation that the "Islamofascists" are ostensibly using to punish us for being so sexed up? Change our behavior to suit their more uptight tastes.

So here's my question: What do you call a guy who backs down in the face of bullying, changing his behavior in order to appease a bunch of thugs?

I call him a fucking coward.

And an "enemy of freedom".

And perfectly representative of the authoritarian American right wing.

* Excepting, of course, those cases where pornography involves exploitation of some kind.

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[2006.10.14 - 11:00 A.M.]

Via Josh Marshall, here's a migraine-inducing item from the Washington Post:

President Bush finds the world around him increasingly "unacceptable."

. . .

[A] survey of transcripts from Bush's public remarks over the past seven years shows the president's worsening political predicament has actually stoked, rather than diminished, his desire to proclaim what he cannot abide. Some presidential scholars and psychologists describe the trend as a signpost of Bush's rising frustration with his declining influence.

In the first nine months of this year, Bush declared more than twice as many events or outcomes "unacceptable" or "not acceptable" as he did in all of 2005, and nearly four times as many as he did in 2004. He is, in fact, at a presidential career high in denouncing events he considers intolerable. They number 37 so far this year, as opposed to five in 2003, 18 in 2002 and 14 in 2001.

Hey Asshole: You know what's "unacceptable"? Having a stupid, worthless, arrogant, petulant, clueless man-child like you for president of the United Fucking States of America.

That's unacceptable.

Nothing sends me quite as far around the bend as stories about Bush being angry, making demands, condemning people or events, or finding things "unacceptable". When I read shit like this, I just want to scream at him "YOU are the PROBLEM, you fucking MAGGOT! YOU don't get to complain. YOU don't get to be angry. You are the CAUSE of what is wrong with the fucking world so you DON'T get to run your FUCKING MOUTH about what upsets you. Stick a sock in it, you stupid prick."

Jesus. I swear, if I live to be a hundred, I doubt I'll ever hate another human being as much as I hate George W. Fucking Bush.

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[2006.10.13 - 06:30 P.M.]

It has probably not escaped your attention that I am an opinionated individual. Not just about politics or sports, either, but about pretty much everything. What you may not know, especially if you've only recently been exposed to me, is that I'm opinionated in an almost obsessively precise way. I'm not a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" kinda guy. Nope, every preference has to be measured on a finely graduated scale. Everything has to be ranked. When I list my top five movies or top ten albums, I put a lot of time into slotting them precisely where they belong with respect to each other. Is The Matrix really better than Tombstone? Well, yes, I think it is. But believe me, I agonized over it.

Moreover, it drives me nuts when other people are fickle and imprecise about their opinions. Like, for example, when Shakes has a Question of the Day that asks "What is your Favorite..." and people leave lists of up to a dozen responses, I go bonkers. "Favorite" implies a singular choice. Make the call, dammit!

Anyhow, for the Question of the Week, I invite you to engage in one of these Toastian exercises. Inspired by a survey I took on SurveySpot earlier today, I sat down and ranked all of the current television shows that I regularly watch. I excluded sports, news, and variety shows, since they really are different in kind from once-a-week entertainment programming. Shows on seasonal hiatus (HBO fare, for example) still count as long as they're coming back. Oh, and please note, this is a snapshot of where these shows stand now, not an overall judgement on where they would rank if I took their entire history into account.

Here's what I came up with:

1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Deadwood
3. House
4. Supernatural
5. The Office
6. Rome
* Friday Night Lights
7. Smallville
* Heroes
8. CSI (Original)
9. Survivor
10. Lost
11. Sopranos
12. Meerkat Manor
13. Desperate Housewives
14. Amazing Race

* Note: These shows are too new to commit to a ranking for them. I have tentatively slotted them in where I believe they'll fall if my early impressions of their quality are borne out.

So, readers, have at it. What's your list? And don't be wishy-washy. Two shows really close to each other for you? Toughen up and make the call.

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[2006.10.12 - 04:30 P.M.]

Ladies and Gentlemen, with a nod to Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person In The World" and Atrios' "Wanker Of The Day", the staff of TwoGlasses.com humbly presents to you our new award, the Douchebag of The Week.

Christopher Shays - Douchebag of the Week

Christopher Shays
(R-Desperate)
Douchebag of the Week

Our first winner? Connecticut's own Christopher Shays:

Shays on Foley Handling: At Least No One Died

HARTFORD, Connecticut (AP) -- Republican Rep. Christopher Shays defended the House speaker's handling of a congressional page scandal, saying no one died like during the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident involving Democratic Sen. Ted Kennedy.

"I know the speaker didn't go over a bridge and leave a young person in the water, and then have a press conference the next day," the embattled Connecticut congressman told The Hartford Courant in remarks published Wednesday.

"Dennis Hastert didn't kill anybody," he added.

Shays' comments recalled the Chappaquiddick incident, when Kennedy's car ran off a Massachusetts bridge, killing his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne. Kennedy did not immediately report the tragedy, and he later pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of an accident.

You read that correctly: Shays is defending Hastert's handling of Foley's behavior by comparing it favorably to Kennedy's actions in the aftermath of a car accident that happened almost forty years ago. This despite the fact that, whatever one might think of Kennedy's behavior following the crash, the event itself was an accident, whereas Foley's behavior was deliberate. This despite the fact that, while Chappaquiddick was a single tragic event, Foley preyed on any number of young men over a span of many years. Oh, and this despite the fact that Chappaquiddick happened almost forty fucking years ago. (I know, I mentioned that already.)

Well, at least Shays' comparison is accurate in one regard: The Foley scandal really is quite a car wreck.

Quite the all-around jaw-dropper from this "moderate" and "reasonable" Republican. Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Shays. For this stunning achievement in gutter politics, you're the Douchebag of The Week!

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[2006.10.12 - 07:00 A.M.]

As you have no doubt heard by now, Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle was killed yesterday when his two-person plane crashed into a high-rise apartment building in New York City. My sincere condolences go out to his wife and son, and to everyone else who was close to him.

This story is just bizarre on so many levels. I saw the initial report of the crash come across my newsreader yesterday afternoon, before authorities had any clue as to who was on board the plane. Hours later, when I heard on ESPN Radio that it was Cory Lidle's plane, it was truly a "Whuuuhhh?" moment. Corey Lidle? The some-time #5 pitcher the Yankees acquired mere months ago? What were the odds? What was he doing that he ended up crashing his plane into a building?

The media coverage of - and public reaction to - this event, however, is what truly fascinates me.

A couple of facts: First, Lidle was neither a star player nor a celebrity. On those rare occasions when he made the news, it was usually for some biting criticism leveled at a team-mate. I would imagine that a majority of casual baseball fans -- and the vast majority of non-baseball fans -- never heard his name before yesterday. Second, although "plane crashes into building in New York City" obviously tripped more than a few alarms in brains across the country, it was quickly established that this was a.) An accident, involving b.) A small plane and that, c.) Only the two passengers were killed and there was no serious damage sustained by the building that was hit.

And yet, as of 10:00 PM last night when I went to bed, ESPN was entering their sixth straight hour of non-stop coverage. At 9:00 PM, they still had the "Breaking News" banner up (causing me to mentally respond "Hardly"). Is it callous of me to ask if this ultimately rather minor tragedy merits this kind of treatment? Even from a sports network?

Am I guilty of under-reacting here?

Let me know what you think in comments. What's your take on this story?

Update: It continues. And it gets worse. As John and Chemist noted in comments, the most annoying thing about this story is how the media are playing up the NON-EXISTENT terrorism angle. You know, the part of the story that didn't actually happen?

Just now, driving home, I caught a bit of the Dan Patrick show (with Keith Olbermann). They both noted how, when one hears a story about a plane going into a building in a metropolitan area, the first thing that goes through ones mind is terrorism.

This is true. It's perfectly understandable that this is what goes through ones mind. Until it's been established that IT WASN'T TERRORISM. At which point, unless you're an obsessive, a lunatic, or a media whore trying to make money and fill airtime, it should STOP GOING THROUGH ONES MIND.

But not these guys, no. Instead, Patrick -- (I think it was Patrick, their voices are similar) -- started analyzing why this crash, which we already know WASN'T A TERRORIST ATTACK, would have been an odd place for a terrorist attack. He started going into the comparative value of the apartment building as a target as compared with other targets in the vicinity. Yes, I know, that sounds completely around-the-bend insane, but I shit thee not, they spent 5-10 minutes on this angle.

It's as if ESPN considers this a "complex" story in the mathematical sense: Comprised of both a real part and an imaginary part.

Oh, and did you know lots of Yankee players live in that part of town? I didn't either, but now I do. I think I'm supposed to draw conclusions from that about possible motives on Lidle's part for crashing his plane. I honestly think that's what that piece of information was supposed to provoke.

Just another all-around disgusting chapter in the history of America's media.

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[2006.10.07 - 11:40 A.M.]

Tracy and I are going to be out of town until late tomorrow evening, so I'm throwing open the door to the living room early this week. Feel free to comment away on this weekend's baseball and football action. Just don't make a mess of the place.

If the Yanks don't get it done today and tomorrow, what do you think will happen? Will Torre get the axe? Will management move mountains to move A-Rod? Or will they stand pat?

How about them J-E-T-S? Can the team that almost beat Indy put up a fight against the Jags' defense?

Should be an interesting 36 hours coming up for my teams. I just hope I'll be able to catch some of the games as we shuttle around between birthday parties and restaurants and whatnot. Talk to you all tomorrow night.

Update: Well, the Yankees may have lost to Detroit in four, but at least the Jets got shut out by the Jags 41 to nothing. I'm going to go drink an entire bottle of whiskey now. Good night.

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[2006.10.04 - 07:00 P.M.]

Game three. Big Eunuch versus The Gambler. Technically, this game isn't a "must win" but... it's a must-win. Really. If they go down 2 games to 1 I've just got a feeling they won't be coming back. Luckily, this Yankees lineup has a combined career batting average of approximately .900 against Rogers. So there's that.

Go Yanks!!!

Update: What an awful, embarrassing performance. I am completely disgusted. This stat, via Peter Abraham's LoHud Yankees blog, best captures the sense of futility around Yankee land right now: Over the last two games, the Yankees are 1-for-33 with men on base. Yes, you read that right. One. For thirty three. I think Steinbrenner should ask for his money back.

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[2006.10.04 - 07:00 P.M.]

UPDATE: Moving this back to the top for use as a Game Two thread.

Game two coming up in just over an hour. Moose goes for the Yanks tonight against Rookie of the Year candidate Justin Verlander for the Tigers. I haven't seen Verlander pitch, but from what I read he's a fastballer all the way, and considering Leyland has given his pitchers the green light to go after the Yankees power hitters (i.e. all of them) aggressively... Well, let's just say that if our bats are on, this could be a blowout. Fingers crossed.

Go Yanks!!!

Oh, and a Question for Joe Torre: Got Melky?

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[2006.10.05 - 08:00 A.M.]

Last night, waiting in vain for the Yankees game to come on, I saw a commercial for Chris Shays (R - Bush Enabler) in which he piously intones that he's "always believed that we're Americans first and Republicans or Democrats second." This neatly echoes the themes we in the Nutmeg State been bombarded with for the last two months from the Lieberman campaign: Reaching across the aisle, erasing divisions and ignoring partisan labels.

It's all so very precious. Too bad it happens to be a load of crap.

What Joe Lieberman doesn't understand (or willfully ignores) is that his self-serving instinct to "reach across the aisle" and give aid and comfort to the GOP has not led to bipartisanship or unity, but has merely given a fig leaf to the most viciously partisan and destructive political operation this country has ever seen.

What Chris Shays doesn't understand (or willfully ignores) is that he can be the most moderate, reasonable Republican you'll ever meet, and the mere fact of his affiliation -- the "R" after his name -- will still help to secure and maintain power for the most viciously partisan and destructive political operation this country has ever seen.

Some day -- maybe even some day really soon -- America may wake up and kick these evil fucking clowns to the curb, and when that day comes perhaps we can start talking about being "Americans first" again: About bipartisanship and cooperation and compromise and all those other wonderful things that make David Broder swoon.

Until that day comes, however, the only way to save America is for Democrats to start being partisans first.

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[2006.10.03 - 07:00 P.M.]

Eleven. That is the number of wins that stands between the Yankees and a World Series championship. More importantly, it is the number of wins that stands between the Yankees and the end of the Toast Curse. For if they can seal the deal, this New York Yankees team will become the first professional sports franchise to win a championship while counting me as a fan. The way I figure it, they've got the best chance of getting me off the schneid since the 1999 Trailblazers.

Tonight, newly-crowned Yankees Ace Chien-Ming Wang takes to the mound in Game One versus the Detroit Tigers. There was a great story about Wang in today's Courant. Seriously, you might hate the Yankees as a team, but you have to love this guy. Calm, confident, and completely untroubled by the pressure that attends pitching for New York, this humble young man might just possess the most deadly sinker in the majors. And to think, he's a product of the Barren Yankees Farm System™.

First pitch in about an hour.

Go Yanks!!!

Update: Game One Thoughts (in no particular order):

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[2006.10.03 - 01:00 P.M.]

I just want to go on record as saying that, after everything that has happened in the twelve hellish years that the GOP has had a stranglehold on our country -- after every outrage they have committed, every lie they've told, every dirty trick they've pulled, and all the lives that have been ruined as a result -- if it is this, a creepy guy hitting on his teenage male interns, that brings the whole house of cards down on their heads...

Well, I'll laugh at the irony.

And then I think I think I'll cry over what a stupid fucking country we've become.

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[2006.10.02 - 08:00 A.M.]

Three quick thoughts on the story that came out in the LA Times wherein Jason Grimsley alleges that Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite, among others, used performance-enhancing drugs in the late '90's:

1. I don't care.

2. I don't care.

3. No, seriously: I don't. Fucking. Care.

Newsflash: Professional athletes do crazy shit to their bodies to be able to compete. Sometimes they push the boundaries of what's ethical. Frequently, they push the boundaries of what's safe. It's the sketchy part of the games we enjoy so much, certainly, but no matter how much the hand-wringing moralizers among us would like things to be otherwise, it will always be around. Count me among those who just don't find the scourge of chemically-enhanced athletes terribly interesting, consequential, or outrageous.

I am far more aggravated by this toxic stew of investigators, slimy journalists, and washed-up former teammates who make their living dredging this shit up and shoving it in our faces again and again and again. It's the worst kind of tabloid scandal-mongering. It plays to the public's lowest appetites. And in the end, I think it harms The Game(s) far more than any of the alleged original transgressions ever did or could.

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[2006.10.01 - 08:20 P.M.]

Day Eight of the Ireland Travelogue is up, featuring our trip to the Aran Islands. Enjoy.

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[2006.10.01 - 12:00 P.M.]

6:15 PM: Well, at least the fucking Patriots are winning. So at least there's that to help salvage the day.

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrggghhh!!!!

4:30 PM: This is funny. I go upstairs to veg on the computer and listen to some music and the first song on my iTunes party shuffle is Everything Right Is Wrong Again by They Might Be Giants.

4:25 PM: In the end, the question of What Went Wrong is pretty simple to answer. That kickoff return by Miller -- an absolutely beautiful run -- was actually, in all seriousness, the worst thing that could have happened to the Jets. Instead of having the ball and control of the clock for the final three minutes of the game, they handed the reins right back to Peyton and the Colts, the best hurry-up offense in the NFL. After the Colts (inevitably) scored, there just wasn't any time left to have the final say in this thing. Fuck.

4:04 PM: Ugh. By tomorrow, I'll be up-beat about what a great performance this was. But the fact is, I'm fucking crushed. The Jets should have won that game. Couldn't even slow Manning down on the final drive. They had the lead back in the blink of an eye. And then Leon Washington inexplicably downs the kickoff at the goal line with 50 seconds left. Oh yeah, and it looks like Coles got injured on the final play. I feel like I'm going to puke. This fucking sucks. The Jets should have won that game. Instead, they're 2-2 and on their way to 2-3 after they go to Jacksonville next week. This sucks. I might not be back for a while.

3:47 PM: Colts just went back up 24-21 on a nice pass to the back of the end zone by Peyton. Unfortunately, that nice pass was set up by a truly bogus pass interference -- HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WE INTERRUPT THIS OFFICIATING COMPLAINT TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE JETS JUST SCORED A TD ON A 103-YARD KICKOFF RETURN BY JUSTIN MILLER. I can't believe this. OK. OK. Just need to hold Peyton for two minutes and change...

3:34 PM: Touchdown, JETS!!! 21 to 17! My apologies to Kevan Barlow for talking shit earlier. He just busted through the Colts' goal-line D like they were wet toilet paper. Another great drive by Chad and company set up the play. Leon Washington seems to be picking up 5 yards on every first down that Chad hands him the ball on. I can't believe this. Fourth quarter and the green and white are ahead.

3:15 PM: 14 minutes left in the 4th, still tied at 14, but the Colts are about to go in for a TD. The Jets dominated the 3rd with a 9-minute drive but came up empty when Chad was intercepted in the end zone after 4th and 1 on the 1. I do not blame Mangini for that call. After a drive like that you need the TD. There's just no reason to think a field goal is going to hold up against the Colts.

Wow, interesting development. The Jets D held Dominic Rhodes on three straight rushing attempts inside the 5, forcing the Colts to settle for the field goal. Um... Hmmm... Those three points.... Nah. No second-guessing. I'll still back Mangini's call.

2:40 PM: Dear Peyton Manning: Moments ago, when Shaun Ellis sacked you for a huge loss on 3rd and 7 on your second-half opening drive, I said to you "Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about, bitch!" I just wanted you to know that I meant "bitch" strictly in the opposing quarterback sense of the word, not in the I-don't-like-you sense. -- Your Friend, Toast

2:25 PM: Halftime. Tied at 14. Indy's scoring drive just now was largely the result of a 40-yard pass to Reggie Wayne to put the Colts in Jets territory early. The Jets' D almost stopped them on two third downs, but in the end the Colts' not-even-a-trace-of-a-huddle offense overwhelmed them. Still, I'll take a tie at the half and be happy with it.

Around the league: In the AFC East, Miami and Houston are knotted at 3 and Buffalo is up 7-3 over the Vikes. If the Dolphins lose this game, they join the Raiders and Titans in the league's outhouse. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are crushing the Niners 24-0. Apparently the San Francisco defense is even capable of making a Herm Edwards' offense look potent. Dallas leads Tennessee 14-6 on the strength of two hookups from Bledsoe to TG (that's Terry Glenn). That's about all that looks interesting at the moment.

2:05 PM: Touchdown Jets. Kevan Barlow rumbled in from the 1-yard line after the Colts got called on a pass interference call at the goal line. More wizardry on the way down the field, as the Jets convert a 4th-and-short using Brad Smith behind center and running an option play to Leon Washington. Jets 14 - Colts 7. I am beyond giddy right now.

1:54 PM: Holy shit. Mangini just called for an onside kick on the ensuing kickoff, and the Jets recovered. Unbelievably gutsy. Oh my Flying Spaghetti Monster do I love my New Jets.

1:50 PM: The Jets offense has arrived. A 33-yard TD pass from Pennington to Cotchery capped a 65-yard drive to tie the game. And they might have found an answer in the running game. Cedric Houston has been electric given the chance, gaining 19 yards on 3 carries, absolutely shaming backfield mate Kevan Barlow. Tie game, baby.

1:46 PM: We interrupt this politics-free weekend to bring you the following item. The Hartford Courant today published one of the most amazing (and horrifying) things I've ever seen: A gigantic (14" x 12") picture of Joe Lieberman under the headline "JOE And The Jewish Vote". The sub-head? "If You're Jewish, Should You Feel Guilty If You Don't Vote For Lieberman?"

I have a better question: If you work for the Courant, should you be ashamed to show your face in public?

1:38 PM: End of the first quarter. Colts 7 - Jets 0. The Jets D has stiffened up nicely, stopping the Colts on consecutive possessions. Unfortunately, the offense has shown absolutely no inclination to take advantage. Mangini seems absolutely intent on running the ball, despite the fact that this has yielded approximately one play for positive yardage. What they need to do is establish the pass to stretch the defense. Maybe then they'd actually have some room to run.

1:14 PM: Our O-line is not up to this challenge at. All. The runners, who have gone nowhere in the first three weeks, are now going backwards. Pennington has had a defender in his face inside of .5 seconds every single time he's dropped back to throw. Not good times.

1:05 PM: Fifty-eight seconds in, the Colts pass rush gets in behind Pennington, strips the ball, and recovers the fumble. Time to hit the "RESET" button on the old Expectations. Ouch.

Reaching For A Victory
(Victory Festbier, that is)

12:00 PM: Welcome to Week 4 of the Virtual Couch! We've got an exciting double-header this afternoon as the surprising New York Jets take on the mighty Indianapolis Colts in the Meadowlands followed by a faltering New England Patriots team travelling to Cincinnati to take a much-needing beating.

The Post's Mark Cannizzaro actually predicts that the Jets pull this one off. I don't think I'm ready to make that bold of a call. Not against the Colts. Not against Peyton Manning who, even his haters would have to agree, is the best regular-season quarterback in the NFL. Right now, I'd put the Jets' chances of winning this game at about 3-to-1 against. And while that may seem pessimistic, it's a far, far cry from the 1,000,000-to-1 odds I'd have given them in this game four weeks ago.

Two keys to a Jets' victory today:

1.) Continue to play mistake-free football under the steady, guiding hand of #10. Smart passing will be needed against the Colts pass rushers. We cannot afford a single turnover against an Indy offense that can legitimately be expected to put up points on every possession.

2.) Exploiting a Colts secondary that is reeling from multiple injuries. There's talk of getting the Jets' running game going today against a soft Indy run D. It'd be nice to see that happen, particularly if they're protecting a lead and trying to keep Manning off the field. But the only way I see them winning this is if Chad gets the ball to his #1 and #1a threats, Coles and Cotchery. If those two can burn Indy deep a couple of times, the upset special really might be on the menu today.

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