A man went to see his doctor.
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
(h/t: Comedy Central.)
Tags: humor, self pleasure
"Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people." -- Ben Stein, in an interview with the Trinity Broadcasting Network
I've long known what a piece of work Stein was, but his recent re-surfacing in support of his crockumentary* Expelled has managed to lower my opinion of him to heretofore unplumbed depths. Click through on the link to sample some of Stein's other deranged ramblings. See him flaunt his third-grade comprehension of natural selection. (The theory of evolution describes an impersonal set of natural processes; "it" doesn't make moral judgements or offer exhortations to "stamp out" particular species, dumbfuck.) See him ask why "Darwinism" doesn't explain completely unrelated subjects like physics and thermodynamics and astronomy. (Um...?) See him suggest that since German scientists participated in the Holocaust we should, apparently, never listen to scientists anymore, ever again, about anything. (It seems that in addition to most scientific laws Mr. Stein is also ignorant of Godwin's law.)
On a personal level, I find it deeply infuriating that this ignorant turd can leverage his third-rate brand of celebrity to insert himself into discussions that are so clearly beyond his ken. On the other hand, from a tactical standpoint, when the guy spouts criminally clueless shit like this it has to discredit the movement he purports to speak for.
Quick, someone get him a better booking agent...
Tags: Ben Stein, logic, science versus unreason, people who say despicable things
It takes me longer to shut down my computer and walk to the front door of my building than it does for Tracy to drive the two miles from her office to mine.
Tags: time and distance
When the Reverend Wright thing first blew up early last month, my take was that 1.) I didn't really see the relevance of Wright's statements to Obama's campaign, and 2.) I didn't find his statements all that controversial in any event. After Obama's masterful Philadelphia speech on race -- a speech in which he bent over backwards to let Wright off the hook in a way that preserved his reputation -- I really hoped the whole thing would go away. And, despite Hillary's Scaife-assisted efforts, it sorta did.
Until this past weekend when, of course, Wright decided to charge back into the spotlight.
Now, no one can truly know the Reverend's motivations. Maybe he's just trying to shake his newfound "pariah" status. Maybe he feels slighted or misunderstood. But given the way he upped the ante with his latest round of statements -- casually praising Farrakhan, tossing around the tinfoil-hat theory that the government invented AIDS to kill off African Americans, and imputing less-than-sincere motivations to Senator Obama for keeping him at arm's length -- it's understandable that people are starting to wonder if he's not deliberately sabotaging Obama's campaign. Because if he's not, then he's got to be one of the most politically-maladroit, timing-impaired public figures to ever walk the Earth.
In any event, the good news is that Obama is on the case:
(CNN) -- Sen. Barack Obama said he is "outraged" by comments his former minister, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, made Monday at the National Press Club and "saddened by the spectacle."
Sen. Barack Obama on Tuesday denounced comments made by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
"I have been a member of Trinity Church since 1992. I have known Rev. Wright for almost 20 years," he said at a news conference in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. "The person I saw yesterday is not the person I met 20 years ago."
Obama said he is outraged by Wright's remarks that seemed to suggest the U.S. government might be responsible for the spread of AIDS in the black community, and his equation of some American wartime efforts with terrorism.
"What particularly angered me was his suggestion somehow that my previous denunciation of his remarks were somehow political posturing," said Obama, who added that Wright had shown "little regard for me" and seemed more concerned with "taking center stage."
This is a strong response. Whether it will be strong enough to placate the media, the Clinton campaign, and the Winger horde -- my guesses: Not unless there's an outbreak of shark attacks; Not unless Hillary comes down with a case of classiness; Not unless Hell freezes over -- remains to be seen. Regardless, it's the kind of definitive, "cut-the-cord" rhetoric that Obama needs to get on record with if, as now seems clear, Wright himself is going to mount an effort to remain in the spotlight.
Update: Steve Benen - When Obama Gets Pissed:
Six weeks ago, Obama went out of his way not to throw Wright under the bus. It was a classy, risky move. But today was a high-profile falling out between the senator and the former pastor who has dogged his campaign for far too long. Wright’s remarks in DC yesterday were simply too much for Obama to bear, and he felt compelled to say so.
Update: Oh, and I don't care what anyone else says - not even you, Barack - it's "duh-VICE-ive", not "dih-VISS-ive".
Tags: Barack Obama, Reverend Wright
In the history of humankind, has a generation ever had their ass kissed as systematically as Baby Boomers have? I submit that the answer is "no", and as evidence I point you towards your televisions, where you can routinely see commercial after commercial stroking Boomer Ego in a quest to part America's most oversized generation from their dollars. An example: Just For Men hair color has an ad out now that begins with a voice-over saying "The generation that swore it would never grow up... didn't." The music in the background is Cream's Sunshine Of Your Love, and the people in the foreground are happy Boomers frolicking in the surf and whatnot. (No, it's no problem, I'll wait while you finish vomiting.) Um, Just For Men? Here's a free clue: The Baby Boom generation did, in point of fact, grow up. They got jobs, bought houses, and had children. Many of them are now reaching retirement age, and you know what that means? It means they're fucking OLD. Yeah, that's right, I said it: OLD. Old old old old OLD. O to the L to the fucking D as in "Deal with it". No longer young. Old. Aged. Wrinkly and quite possibly infirm. Knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door. OLD. Why did this horrible fate befall them? Because they didn't die yet, and like every generation of homo sapiens that came before them, those were the two options they had on the table: Get old or get dead. They got old. And good for them. I hope they enjoy their golden years (can't spell "golden" without "old"); I really do. But I would like it very much if we could dispense with these sloppy rimjobs that feed and nourish their "Oh we're so fucking revolutionary and awesome and different" narcissistic streak.
Tags: Boomers
We've been taking the bird for showers on the weekends for about a month now. She's got her own perch that we bought, a suction-cup affair that folds up and away when not in use. Birdstone has seemed to enjoy her forays into the world of wetness up to this point, but today was a bit of a milestone: Standing on my hand as I turned into the water, she walked into and through the stream, arching her tiny head up into the spray and getting thoroughly drenched. As with all things she does, it was ridiculously cute. So cute it should be against the law. Hopefully the water helped out with her still-ongoing moulting. You probably can't make it out from this picture, but she's got at least half a dozen pin feathers on her tiny little noggin' and her first moult shows no signs of slowing down. Tracy is -- I kid you not -- collecting all of her discarded feathers in a plastic baggie. When she does this, I tease the tiny one by telling her "Mommie's going to make a new bird with a sunnier disposition." I can't tell if this has any impact, but I can at least report that she's been unusually agreeable today.
Tags: parakeet
Man, there's nothing like a thirty-mile bike ride to kick off your Saturday. Nothing like getting out there and cranking it out, getting sweaty and loose and making that heart pump. It's absolutely exhilarating. I feel all... Oh, wait a second. I didn't actually go for the ride I'd planned for this morning. Because, after a week of sunny, seventy-degree days, Saturday morning rolled around and it was fucking fifty, overcast, and drizzly. Stupid weather, fucking with my privilege.
So here I am instead sitting at the computer sucking down my second coffee Mexicano, watching my bird play with her new toy and waiting for my mother to arrive. She's taking Tracy and me out to dinner tonight at Max's Oyster Bar in West Hartford, which is pretty goddamned awesome of her, since Max's is on the slightly pricey side (but worth every penny, particularly if said pennies are someone else's). I envision a weekend that revolves around food and drink and entertainment -- which is to say "the usual" for Clan Toast -- and that being the case I figure that any blogging that gets done will take the form of... Slices of Toast!
Try to contain your excitement.
I have a love/hate relationship with noise. Loud music? Sure, sign me up. (As long as it doesn't suck.) Baby crying? Put a pacifier in that shit. Parakeet ack-ack-acking and going crazy? Love it. Dishwasher that sounds like a garbage disposal with a spoon stuck in it? Not a fan.
That last noisy example is what Tracy and I have been putting up with for the last month and some. The Kitchenaid washer that came with the house, despite being only seven years old, shit the bed on us. Or perhaps I should say it was in the process of shitting the bed. For whatever reason, it went from being relatively quiet and effective to being jackhammer loud and food-grit-depositingly ineffective over the last half year or so. Go figure.
We did the "Repair or Replace" dance this week, and after receiving a couple of quotes in the $350-$400 range to come out and replace the failing motor assembly we said, frak it, let's just buy a new one. And so to Sears we went on Monday and purchased a new Kenmore. Consumer Reports rated it a Best Buy, and so far I have to agree. I did a partial load on Thursday after the dudes came to install it and, lo and behold, clean motherfuckin' wine glasses! I haven't seen a truly clean glass come out of a dishwasher since before my last birthday. I was tickled. Oh, and it's quiet, people. The loudest sound that emanates from it is the swishing and swashing of the water inside. Upstairs here in the office you can't hear a sound from it. We likey the no sound from the dishwasher. Yes we do. And it's black, so it matches our fridge.
(Younger people out there, here's a truth about middle age: Nice appliances will be something that bring you immense pleasure. Mock me if you will, but you're going to be me someday, composing paeans to some utterly banal fixture in your life. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife. And you may ask yourself - well...how did I get here?)
Quote of the Sunday Morning OnDemand cable watching: "I bet I can prove to you that Bush wasn't behind 9-11. You know how? It worked." - Bill Maher.
Kevin Drum gets cranky about something that cranks the shit out of me on a regular basis:
There are lots of places where it's natural to stop and ponder which direction you want to go next. These places include the immediate vicinities of doorways, escalators, airport jetways, elevators, etc. However, these are also the places where, if you stop to ponder your options, you're going to automatically be in everyone else's way. So how about if we all learn to take a few steps first and then think about where we want to go next? Deal?
Deal.
Tags: cycling, appliances, Bill Maher
Sun - 4:00 PM: Chien-Ming Wang was dominant today, pitching 7 shutout innings, and Melky Cabrera knocked a solo homer out of the park to give the Yankees a 1-0 victory over the Indians. Wang is now 5-0 on the season. Clearly, the Yankees need to get rid of this guy -- who will never be more than a "decent" pitcher -- as soon as humanly possible.
Sun - 11:45 AM: For those keeping score at home, the Yankees are 0-2 in their long-weekend series against Cleveland. Yesterday they flushed Ian Kennedy's first decent start of the year, giving up a run in the bottom of the ninth to let the Indians steal a tie game away. The team is now exactly one game better than they were last year at this time. Awesome, guys. Keep up the great fucking work.
Sun - 10:00 AM: Pete chronicles the Pope's effect on the game:
No divine intervention: The Padres, Cardinals and Angels were 4-5 during Pope Benedict XVI's trip to the United States. But Ryan Church of the Mets was 5 for 12 with four runs scored over the three days. Yankees prospect Ryan Pope, a pitcher with Single-A Tampa, allowed one run over five innings the day after the Pontiff left.
Sun - 9:40 AM: "Cranky" is not a desirable characteristic in a manager. Just sayin', Joe.
Sat - 11:45 AM: From the department of Quotes You Don't Want To Hear: "Farnsy is going to have to give us important outs." Yankees manager Joe Girardi, on the news that Brian Bruney is done for the year.
Sat - 8:00 AM: So Andy Pettitte gives my optimism the finger and loses the one game out of this series I figured there was absolutely no way we'd lose. Awesome.
Fri - 7:58 PM: I can't blame Indians fans for booing Pettitte there. I don't mind an honest pickoff attempt at first base, but when a pitcher throws a leisurely toss to first against a runner who has at most a six-foot lead, that's fucking annoying. And when he does it five times out of six possible pitches? That's really fucking annoying. Stop fucking around and pitch, dude.
Fri - 7:37 PM: Paul Byrd has the Ugliest Face in the Majors.
Fri - 6:00 PM: Well, last night sure did suck. The Yankees finally had some momentum going, taking a three-game winning streak into the series finale at Chicago with a chance to sweep the White Sox and make it four in a row. Phil Hughes looked sharp (finally!) to start things off, working two scoreless innings as the Yankees took a 3-0 lead. And then, rain. The game was delayed for almost an hour, and when they came back Girardi decided it was too risky to put Hughes back in after such a long wait. Instead he went with Ross Ohlendorf, who proceeded to give up five runs in the fourth inning. Sweet. Finally, to top it off, the untouchable Joba Chamberlain got touched for the winning run in the bottom of the ninth, taking his first loss in the majors. Oh, and did I mention that this was Hughes' sole start of the week, and that I had him going in my head-to-head league? No? Well I've mentioned it now, so there you go.
(sigh)
Oh well. Tonight the team heads to Cleveland where they'll play four against the Tribe. The pitching matchups, courtesy of my man Pete:
Tonight: LHP Andy Pettitte (3-1, 2.45) vs. RHP Paul Byrd (0-2, 4.43), 7:05, Channel 9.
Tomorrow: RHP Ian Kennedy (0-2, 9.64) vs. LHP Jeremy Sowers (0-0, 0.00), 3:55, FOX.
Sunday: RHP Chien-Ming Wang (4-0, 3.94) vs. LHP C.C. Sabathia (1-3, 10.13), 1:05, YES, TBS.
Monday: RHP Mike Mussina (2-3, 4.94) vs. LHP Aaron Laffey (0-0, 0.00), 7:05, YES, ESPN.
I know this is crazy to say, but when I first looked at that, I saw four wins. Pettitte should outpitch Byrd easily. Sabathia has been an absolute mess to start the season, while Wang's been outstanding in all but one start. Sowers and Laffey are both triple-A call-ups. The Yankees have been hitting the ball well this past week, and if that continues I see no reason why they shouldn't win this series.
One bit of bad news: Looks like Brian Bruney v2.0 might be getting recalled. Bruney has a torn ligament in his foot that needs surgery, and he could be lost for the year. Unlike Bruney v1.0, which was frankly kinda buggy, the new and improved Bruney was sporting a 1.59 ERA and looked like he could be the main man for the 7th inning bridge to JobaMo. Now that task will fall to LaTroy Hawkins (sketchy) and He Who Must Not Be Named. Just spiffy.
So that's the view from Yankeeland. How's your team doing? What's going on out there?
Tags: baseball
Had to share this picture with you. I was just browsing this incredible image gallery that NASA has, and I ran across this picture of hurricane Ivan. It's absolutely breathtaking, no? Talk about the awesome power of nature. Deeply moving.
OK but here's the really cool part (those of you who know this story can see this coming): That picture was taken on Saturday, September 11th, 2004, which means that Tracy and I were pretty much directly underneath that bad Mo-Fo. To be really precise, we were just northwest of the eye wall, sitting on the deck of our honeymoon suite at the Sandals in Negril, Jamaica. Had the French doors open to the, um, "breeze", a couple of mimosas in hand, watching the palm trees with their trunks blown over almost horizontal. Good times. (And we later got a free week in the Bahamas for our trouble.)
I think I'll be keeping this as my desktop background for some time.
Tags: hurricane Ivan
I just walked by the television at the entrance to our company cafeteria and CNN Headline News did not have their "BREAKING NEWS" banner splashed across the bottom of the screen. By their recent standards, I think that actually qualifies as "BREAKING NEWS".
Tags: CNN
Hillary Clinton emerged from her hole in Pennsylvania yesterday, looked around, and saw her shadow of a chance at victory. Sorry, folks; looks like six more weeks of primary season.
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Groundhog Campaign
This little bit of news put a smile on my face:
WASHINGTON - President Bush has set a record he'd presumably prefer to avoid: the highest disapproval rating of any president in the 70-year history of the Gallup Poll.
In a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll taken Friday through Sunday, 28% of Americans approve of the job Bush is doing; 69% disapprove. The approval rating matches the low point of his presidency, and the disapproval sets a new high for any president since Franklin Roosevelt.
The previous record of 67% was reached by Harry Truman in January 1952, when the United States was enmeshed in the Korean War.
Oh, don't feel bad, George. We only hate you because you suck so much.
Tags: George Bush
I just picked up an egg that was still warm from a chicken sitting on it. Actually, I picked up two dozen of them. I drove up to Flamig Farm after dropping Tracy off at work this morning to do an egg run, figuring that since they're usually running low by mid-afternoon I'd beat the rush. Instead, I got there before the daily egg harvest had been collected, sorted and brought down to the store. Farmer Nevin (I presume) informed me of this fact as I was walking up the path from the parking lot. He then said "You're welcome to go into the coop and get them yourself." "Seriously?" I responded. "Sure. Just go on in. They won't bite. You should find plenty of eggs in the nests against the wall."
Into the coop I went, wading through a sea of several hundred Rhode Island Reds. I got to the double-decker row of nests and started looking in the empty ones, not wanting to disturb the chickens that were still sitting in the others. The first few nests were empty (I felt around inside to be sure) but as I continued down the row, birds meandering around my legs clucking and br-br-brawking, I finally spied an egg. When I picked it up and discovered that it was still quite warm from the body heat of its recently-departed producer, a little thrill ran through me. I was gathering up our eggs -- we eat eggs at least two or three times a week, most of them from this farm -- right at the source, mingling with the chickens that delivered them. Pretty cool.
By the time I was on my second dozen, I'd gotten bolder, coaxing the chickens in their nests to stand up so I could see what they were hiding. They were mostly cooperative, although a few gave me the stink eye and one gave me a little feint with her beak. After about ten minutes I'd gathered my bounty and was ready to depart. I said thanks to the chickens and headed out. Sadly, the farmer had disappeared to attend to other matters. Next time I run into him I'll have to thank him as well. It's not every day you stumble into a wholly unexpected new experience. How serendipitious that it should happen on Earth Day.
Tags: eggs
I like Earth. I really do. Got a bit of a soft spot for it. Granted, it doesn't have any big pretty rings and it's only got the one moon, but it's got a certain kind of atmosphere. There's something so, I dunno, life supporting about it. Really nice. So happy Earth Day, Earth. Props to you.
Tracy and I celebrated Earth Day in true crunchy style by taking our first hike of the season. (Although, sadly, I forgot to bring my funky wizard-esque walking stick that I bought at King Richard's Faire last year, which would have kicked the crunch into the stratosphere.) We tackled the towering peak of West Mountain. From the trail head - which is about a four mile drive from our house - we climbed a grueling 275 vertical feet up to the peak pictured at left which sits 675 feet above sea level. (Next up: K2.) Seriously, though, it was a beautiful day and we had a great hike. (Except for the bugs, which were on me like I was Joba Chamberlain.) Tracy was a trooper. I gave her the say-so on when we would turn around, but despite being a little out of breath a few times she kept on all the way to the top. And now, we are back home on the couch, our asses properly kicked, feeling relaxed and happy, rewarding ourselves with some vino. Good times.
Update: Apparently, today, Tuesday, April 22nd, is Earth Day. I swear I saw a sign either at work or in town indicating Earth Day events this past Saturday. Anyhow, my bad. (Of course, I haven't posted since Saturday anyhow, so my Earth Day post is still at the top, so I'm all good, right?)
Tags: Earth Day
Mon - 6:35 AM: Peter Abraham, on the Pope's departure from Yankee Stadium: "My understanding is the Pope left a note on Joe Girardi's desk telling him not to pitch to Manny Ramirez with first base open."
Sat - 9:50 PM: Men, I hope you're protecting your prostates.
Sat - 9:01 PM: I think the Yankees should give Giuseppe Franco a spot in the rotation.
Sat - 9:00 PM: Another crappy start from one of our young pitchers. Another night of ice cold Yankee bats. Looking forward to leaving Baltimore.
Sat - 12:30 PM: In case you missed it, the steroid-dealing mystery trainer that Jose Canseco claims he introduced A-Rod to has surfaced. A-Rod did train with him at one time, but they both deny steroids ever entered into the equation. So that's that, right? Canseco can finally crawl back under his rock for good? (sigh) Yeah, I very much doubt that as well.
Sat - 12:00 PM: .500 after three weeks? Blah. Oh, and Moose, Retirement called. It wanted to know when it could expect you.
Tags: baseball
Me: Hey, quick question: You guys don't have any problem with tank tops, do you?
Staff Person: Nope, as long as they don't show any bare midriff.
Me: (pause) (smirk) Heh. Ha ha. HA HA HA HA! Ha. OK. Yah, I don't think that will be a problem.
Tags: gym etiquette
Our parakeet ate sprouts yesterday. This is very exciting. Parakeets are supposed to eat a varied and balanced diet but they're notoriously picky and it's hard to get them to take to a new food. We've tried grapes, lettuce, apple, and egg and she's ignored all of them. Tracy had read that sprouts were a good food option, however, and so we tried them yesterday. Came home in the evening and they were completely gone. Almost couldn't believe it. Figured maybe she hid them while we were out. But nope, I witnessed live sprout eating this morning with my own eyes. It's a milestone, I tell ya. Our little bird's growing up. I think I'm getting verklempt...
Tags: parakeet
The post-debate reviews are in and, once again, the big loser is the faux-journalist bobbleheads running the circus. Greg Mitchell at Editor & Publisher breaks it down:
In perhaps the most embarrassing performance by the media in a major presidential debate in years, ABC News hosts Charles Gibson and George Stephanopolous focused mainly on trivial issues as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off in Philadelphia.
Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the health care and mortgage crises, the overall state of the economy and dozens of other pressing issues had to wait for their few moments in the sun as Obama was pressed to explain his recent "bitter" gaffe and relationship with Rev. Wright (seemingly a dead issue) and not wearing a flag pin while Clinton had to answer again for her Bosnia trip exaggerations.
Then it was back to Obama to defend his slim association with a former '60s radical -- a question that came out of rightwing talk radio and Sean Hannity on TV, but delivered by former Bill Clinton aide Stephanopolous. This approach led to a claim that Clinton's husband pardoned two other '60s radicals. And so on.
Yep. And so on.
The single most amazing thing about the proceedings was the way that the questions -- particularly those lobbed by Gibson -- seemed as if they'd been written by the guys at RedState.org while on a peyote binge. Seriously, folks, if this is the tone and tenor that the media is going to bring to the general election, we are fuh-huh-huh-huh-hucked.
Update: Steve Benen: Worst. Debate. Ever.
Tags: Democratic debate
11:18 PM: Yankees win! Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... Yankees... win! Good night, all. Go Yanks and Go Barack.
10:32 PM: Melky Cabrera was obviously safe on that double, but he got called out. This prompted Tracy to ask me "Do you think refs watch tape of the plays they call and see something like that and say 'Oh, I screwed that up.'?" And I said "...No. No I don't. I think that the physicists are wrong. There are not four basic forces in the universe; there are five. From weakest to strongest, they are: 1.) Gravity, 2.) Electromagnetism, 3.) The weak nuclear force, 4.) The strong nuclear force, and 5.) The force that prevents human beings from ever recognizing -- to say nothing of admitting -- that they are wrong."
10:21 PM: I loves me some #22 LaTroy Hawkins. Two innings of one-hit ball sporting the new digits? Gimme gimme some of that fat pitching...
10:08 PM: Revisiting my 9:10 comment about the rise in capital gains tax revenues despite the lowering of capital gains tax rates having to do with the skyrocketing 90's stock market: You're telling me I could think of this inside of thirty seconds despite 1.) a bottle of wine in me, 2.) a baseball game in the monitor on my right, and 3.) trying to process two different comment threads, but Obama didn't have that rebuttal easy to hand? That gets the Bird Eye...
10:05 PM: Revisiting my 8:38 comment about the flag lapel woman: I feel like she kinda proved Obama's "clinging" point. Seriously, pundits aside, everyday people who give a fuck about flag lapel pins, you're telling me they're not avoiding more substantive and immediate issues in their lives?
9:57 PM: As for the debate... Well, I was initially tempted to contrast it with the high-scoring Yanks vs. Sox matchup and say no one really scored much. Then I remembered this is baseball, and I didn't want to give you the impression it was a pitchers' duel either. No, it was more like one of those sloppy, poorly-officiated games that results in a low score because no one can get anything done and the offense is lifeless. I didn't get a lot of energy from either of them and, frankly, I got the sense neither of them really wanted to be up there seeing each other again. I don't blame them. As long seasons go, this Democratic primary race is putting baseball's marathon season to shame.
9:54 PM: Back to the game. Up two runs with no out and one on in the sixth, Girardi goes to the recently re-numbered LaTroy Hawkins. Yeah, poor LaTroy couldn't take all the booing at the Stadium for wearing Paul O'Neill's #21, so he relented and switched to #22. I'm with Abraham; the fans' behavior here was stupid and destructive. But hey, if the lack of booing lets our only high-priced off-season pickup settle down and pitch, I'll be happy.
9:45 PM: I really should have watched Yanks vs. Sox. Crazy fucking game. Yanks lead 11 to 9 after five innings. Oh, wait, at this rate I'll actually be able to see quite a bit of it.
9:41 PM: Obama: "I think there are a lot of thoughtful Republicans out there." So, if Obama loses the nomination or the election, here's what I think he should do: Start up a website that allows liberals and Democrats to meet "thoughtful Republicans". 'Cause I gotta tell you, I've been coming up empty on my own.
9:33 PM: Hillary: "When you get to $4/gallon gas, people are not going to be able to afford to drive to work." Unless you drive a Prius and live 7 miles from your office. Gas prices are not the problem, or at least they're not a problem that's going away soon. The organization of our infrastructure and the lifestyle choices we've made as a culture - those things are the problem.
9:33 PM: Hillary: "Vice President Cheney - who is, apparently, a special fourth branch of government unto himself..." Verrruh niiiice.
9:31 PM: Gibson to Obama: "Do you still favor the registration of guns; do you still favor the licensing of guns?" My answer would be "Wait, we require people to register cars but not guns?!"
9:26 PM: Charlie Gibson thinks it's fair to say that every American took a moment to say a prayer on this, the first anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings. I think it's fair to say that Charlie Gibson thinks 1.) Every American prays, and 2.) Every American is still obsessing over a year-old tragedy. For the record, Charlie Gibson is wrong.
9:18 PM: Wow. Charlie Gibson is a motherfucking tool. Listening to his line of questioning about taxes, I expect him to reach back and pull off a rubber Charlie Gibson mask revealing Grover Norquist underneath.
9:10 PM: Charlie Gibson is now singling out capital gains tax rates to try to prove that supply-side economics is true. In other news, the Sox just chased Wang from the game with three runs in the top of the fifth. Hmmmm. (Oh, and note to the idiot Gibson: You might want to take the singular Wall Street boom of the 90's into account when you throw those figures out there.)
8:45 PM: Un. Fucking. Believable. Now we're tackling the all-important General Weatherman Dude "controversy". Oh SHIT! Obama just pointed out that Bill Clinton fucking pardoned two members of the Weather Underground! Oh, lordy lordy. HUGE kudos to Obama's oppo team. I think that's the end of that discussion. And in other news, the Yankees score three runs (and counting) in the bottom of the fourth inning. Things are looking up!
8:38 PM: And now we've got Citizen Dumbshit with a taped question about why Obama doesn't wear a flag lapel pin. I think it's time to switch from wine to whiskey...
8:37 PM: I should note that we're one third of the way through this debate and everything so far has been about campaign tactics. Not a single question on policy. That's our discourse, people. Hope you're as proud as I am.
8:34 PM: Hillary, on Bosnia: "I just said some things that weren't in keeping with what I knew to be the case." Shorter Hillary: "I fabricated." Damn. Well, at least she admitted it.
8:32 PM: You know what? Hillary could earn a million metric tons of goodwill if she would suggest that we drop the goddamned Reverend Wright thing. I bet she'd get a 2 or 3-point bump in the polls. But she can't do it. She's incapable of making the big gesture. Incapable of taking the high road.
8:24 PM: Boston ties it up at 3-3 and Charlie Gibson goes back to the whole Reverend Wright thing. Come on, night, don't go South on me...
8:21 PM: Brilliant job by Obama (and his Oppo staff) digging up Hillary's "baking cookies" quote from 1992 as a perfect corrolary to Obama's remarks from last week. If she doesn't drop this subject, he's got to hammer that. It could net him Pennsylvania's Betty Crocker vote.
8:15 PM: On Bittergate. Obama: Times are hard, and people turn to religion and guns and whatnot when they've got nothing else. Clinton: I don't believe people "cling" to these things just because they're stuck in hard times. Toast: I think Hillary's underestimating the tendency to seek refuge in things that may very well already be important in our lives. She doesn't understand (or won't admit) that there's a positive way to be religious or be a gun nut, and then there's what Obama's talking about: fleeing to these things and fetishizing them out of frustration and desperation.
8:11 PM: Excellent. Right out of the gate Obama's hitting on the "McCain equals four more years of Bush" theme. Keep it up. And let's hear it from you too, Hillary. Try to remember who the real enemy is tonight.
8:10 PM: Really? This is the best we can do for an opening question? That stupid "dream ticket" nonsense? My kingdom for one debate moderator who doesn't have his or her head lodged firmly up their ass.
8:02 PM: George Stephanopoulous is one of the moderators? One way or the other, there's got to be some bias there. He spent too much time working for the Clintons for there to not be.
8:00 PM: OK, got the Yankees home jersey on and the Barack Obama rally sign perched over the fireplace. Let's go.
7:47 PM: Gets out of it only giving up one run. Nicely done. Let's hope Obama is as adept at getting out of the countless traps Hillary and the moderators will set for him tonight about "Bittergate".
7:42 PM: Meanwhile, Chien-Ming Wang has walked two consecutive batters to load the bases with no outs. Yikes.
7:27 PM: WOO HOO!!! Home run number 522 for Alex Rodriguez! Clay Buchholz is getting shelled here in the bottom of the first. Welcome to the Bronx, Sparky.
7:25 PM: WOO HOO!!! Two-run homer by that fucking coward Bobby Abreu. Yanks lead 2-1.
7:15 PM: Baseball factoid: Manny Ramirez is the only player in baseball history to notch over 800 RBI's each with two different clubs. In related news, I probably should have kept him in my head-to-head fantasy league.
7:05 PM: Tonight, two bitter rivals whose animosity towards each other is matched only by that of their respective partisans take to the field of battle once again in the latest of a series of contests that seem to stretch back to the dawn of time.
Oh, and over on ESPN2 the Yankees are taking on the Red Sox.
Yes, the stars are aligned for something new, and so tonight I'll be doing a little live debatesball blogging. Join me in the comments if you've got nothing more entertaining on deck for the evening.
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Red Sox, Yankees
From the "Holy Shit, We're Fucking Debating This?" files, the Supreme Court today took on the case of a Louisiana man who is on death row for the rape of a child:
The Supreme Court focused Wednesday on whether "evolving standards of decency" in the United States forbid a resumption of capital punishment for any felony but murder. But the justices offered no clear indication of how they will rule in the case of a man who is on Louisiana death row for raping a child.
"The trend since 1995 has been more and more states are passing statutes imposing the death penalty in situations that do not result in death" to the victims, said Chief Justice John Roberts, who appeared to support the state's position.
Whoa, OK, let's see now: Unsatisfied with our position among the world's executing elite, the nation's finest legal minds are ready to kick things up a notch, signing off on the "trend" (all the cool states are doing it) towards laws that expand capital punishment to crimes that do not involve the taking of a human life but are merely deemed "heinous".
Got it.
No, wait, I don't. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Listen, I get it: Child rape is about the worst thing you can do short of murder. Contrary to what some would have you believe, however, it is not "worse than" - or even equivalent to - murder. For a country that constantly runs its mouth about the goddamned sanctity of human life, you would think we'd grasp that. You would think we could at least honor that clear, bright line that separates murder from all other crimes. Instead, the highest court in the land looks ready to cheapen it by expanding the circumstances under which the government can take life away.
The mind reels.
Tags: death penalty, things I cannot believe we're debating in a "civilized" society
It's almost 11 AM and, despite having been awake for an hour and a half, I've just barely gotten through the sports section of my Google Reader feeds. I am zonie this morning. Was up kinda late last night after Fridge took off -- he came up to join us for the World's Lamest Pub Crawl -- and two days worth of beverage indulgence have put me in a fog. And yet I suspect there will be blogging today. So I invite you to occasionally refresh your browsers this afternoon as I burp up some Slices of Toast.
The current round of Petraeus hearings? No one covers 'em quite like the Rude Pundit:
[N]o one can suck Dutch cock like Joe Lieberman. Man, to him, it's like kebabs from paradise. You can bet that even the General himself will be surprised at the enthusiasm Lieberman displays when voraciously devouring that military wood, almost choking himself from trying to suck every last drop of semen out of it. And when Lieberman begs to lick Petraeus's balls clean, up at the Republican table, Jeff Sessions and Libby Dole and James Inhofe will be rubbing themselves raw, trying to come at the same time as the good General.
Some enterprising porn producer needs to film that scene pronto. Although I'm not sure where they'll find an actor who looks sufficiently like the Chinless Wonder...
This is too damned funny. There have been days when I've been browsing my usual stops along the blogospheric highway and I've thought, damn, that Steve Benen is everywhere.
Wow. If this turns out to be a legitimate cure for Alzheimer's, how amazing would that be?
An injection that dramatically relieved the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease within minutes would qualify as the discovery of the decade. That is exactly what was claimed yesterday for an experimental treatment being tested in America.
Scientists at the Institute for Neurological Research at the University of California have treated around 50 patients at a private clinic by injecting an anti-arthritic drug, etanercept, into the spinal column in the neck and then tilting the patients to encourage the drug to flow to the brain.
They claim 90 per cent respond to the treatment, usually within minutes, and have released videos of patients to prove it.
In one, a nurse sits down with an 82-year-old patient, Marvin Millar, who frowns and mumbles incoherently as she asks him identify everyday objects such as a bracelet and a pencil, which he is unable to do.
But five minutes after being injected with etanercept -- according to the film which was supplied and edited by the clinic -- he greets his wife. Visibly shocked, she says he has not recognised her for years. Mr Miller then hugs her.
Um, goosebumps, anyone?
I just asked Tracy, and neither of us can think of a major disease that has been cured in our lifetime. Sure, we've made considerable progress with heart disease and cancer, but an honest-to-FSM "this disease is officially knocked out" cure? Nope.
Please let this be for real. Of all the ways I don't want to go out, losing my shit to Alzheimer's has to be in the Top Three. It's such a terrible thing, seeing a person's, well, personhood slowly disintegrate. Imagine the pain and suffering and horror that go away with a snap of the fingers if this is legit. (h/t: Avedon)
Also found via Avedon, an outstanding post by Jill at Brilliant At Breakfast on the Mets' futile quest for a no-hitter. It starts out reading like a hysterical Angry Fan Rant, then sucker punches you with a touching testimonial to the greatness of the game. You know, of all the things I've ever been wrong about, baseball was the one where I was the wrongest. God I love this game. Thank you, my wife, for sucking me in to this sublime addiction.
Tracy, to Birdstone: "Get your cute, green-feathered fucking ass over here."
(People, it's a Parakeet Thing. You wouldn't understand.)
Oh. My. Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Lee Stranahan channels Hillary Clinton's new "Chief Strategist":
Bill. Hill. This is Satan sitting on your shoulder. Nice suit by the way, Hill. Love the red on you. And Bill, love all the pink ties. Very subtle. Very bumpkinsexual of you. I am Satan and I enjoy your clothes, but I digress.
I am here to tempt you. I do that because I'm Satan and that's the gig, really. Temptation, then eternal punishment. Right now I'm doing temptation, and you two have been great customers lately. Have I mentioned I'm Satan?
Well, I (Satan) am back and I'm swinging for the fences, like Barry Bonds after a sharp poke in the ass. I'm talking the BIG temptation...the thing you want most.
Call him 'uppity'.
You know you want to say it. So. Say. It.
You're on stage in Pittsburgh or Indianapolis. Thousands of your supporters there. Reporters and cameras everywhere. The room darkens. A single spotlight hits you as you stroll onto the stage. You step right up the microphone. A wave to someone up in the bleachers. A pause. Now, do that grin that Chris Rock does where he looks like he's trying to poop.
"Barack Obama sure is uppity, isn't he?"
Read the rest. Fucking awesome.
(Oh, and Lee? Love you, man, but you need a proofreader.)
OK, this week's episode of Battlestar Galactica? Possibly the best episode ever of the best television show ever. I can't possibly rave enough about it, so I won't try. But I will say this: "They're not here to vote" is a scene I'll remember for the rest of my days on this Earth.
Goddamnit, why can't Al Franken be from Connecticut? I'd vote for him to be my Senator in a stone-cold heartbeat. And if you don't know why, read this. I mean, how's this for a campaign speech opener:
"Many of you were 11 years old when George Bush was elected. You don't remember having a president who was articulate or that the federal government can actually work with. You don't remember when America was respected in the world."
In-fucking-deed, Sir. This is what I want in a Democrat, and what I've always adored about Franken: He is fucking righteous. Yeah, he's funny, but the source of his humor is a deep, seething anger at the damage the right wing has done to our country - at the sheer selfish scumbaggery that seems to animate their "philosophy" of governance. Al Franken gets it. And if he gets a Senate seat, C-SPAN is going to suddenly become a whole hell of a lot more entertaining.
Barack Obama is going to need a campaign theme song, and I feel like I've got the winner: Living In America by James Brown.
First off, straight-up musically? This song kicks cargo-ship-loads of ass. Fucking awesome. Can you even imagine him taking the stage at the Democratic convention with that blasting in the background? I swear, I'd soil myself.
But here are a couple more reasons why it's right: 1.) It's funky. Barack Obama, despite being a black man, is not funky. He needs him some funk. 2.) It's patriotic, but not in that irritating, right-wing, wrap-yourself-in-the-flag, "Proud To Be An American" way. It goes to the wonderful "all walks of life", big ol' kick-ass melting pot vision of America.
Obama staff who are reading this, listen to me: This is your man's song. Make it happen.
Update: Of course, this was also the song that Apollo Creed took the stage to before Drago killed him. So, karmically... issues.
George Bush must watch people like this and heave a huge sigh of relief upon realizing he's not actually the stupidest person alive. Of course, the beauty of the clip is the stereotypical "blondeness" of her performance. I mean, she's totally hot, and the stuff coming out of her mouth suggests she has an IQ of about 15. I'm somewhat tempted to think she was playing it up a bit.
I just posted the following comment on Phil Hughes' Blog:
Phil: I’m sure you’re not worried about your first start at Fenway — biggest rivalry in sports, whatever — but if you need a little extra pressure, here you go: I’m in a tight game in my head-to-head fantasy league and a win by you tonight puts me over the top, OK? Now go out there and kick some Red Sock ass, killer.
Motivation, baby. It's essential.
Tags: I'm so not 21 anymore, Joe Lieberman, Steve Benen, Alzheimer's, baseball, parakeets, Satan and the Clintons, Battlestar Galactica, Al Franken, Barack Obama theme song, the dumbest blonde, Phil Hughes
Holy shit. No, seriously: Holy shit.
In close to two decades of watching our ever-deteriorating downwardly-spiralling cable news channels, I have never, ever seen anything quite like this. Howlin' Wolf Blitzer is doing a segment on the "controversy" surrounding these remarks by Barack Obama:
You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.
Now, as soon as I read this, I thought "Oh, shit. What an idiot. He went and said something truthful that you're not supposed to say. The media's going to kill him for this."
But instead... Well, watch for yourself.
Did you watch? Are you feelin' the same shocked giddiness I was? Three panelists, they all took Obama's side, and Jeffrey Toobin tore Hillary a new asshole so big you could drive a semi through it.
Yes, people on the shit end of the economic stick are bitter. And yes, that bitterness is frequently channeled into stupid paranoid shit like Jesus Freakery, firearms fetishization, and hating on minorities and immigrants. Welcome to America, folks, where the rich have successfully distracted the underclass with a parade of convenient "out" groups for over three hundred years.
Kudos to Obama for speaking a painful truth. And to the douchebags attacking his comments as "elitist" I offer this classic response: "If 'elitist' just means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room', I'll be an elitist!"
Tags: Barack Obama, bitter Pennsylvanians, elitism
Sun - 9:40 AM: It appears that the rubber match of the Yanks vs. Sox series is this week's Sunday night game on ESPN. I hate that. I so wanted to crash on the couch and watch some baseball this afternoon. Instead, I'll probably be up until close to midnight. Fuck.
Fri - 10:10 PM: First game of the 2008 Rivalry? Yankees win! Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... Yankees... win!
The Future Prime Minister of Taiwan pitches a complete-game two-hitter at Fenway. That puts him at 3-0 on the year in three starts. Seriously, we need to get rid of this guy. Don't wait, C-Money; start shopping him now.
Fri - 8:55 PM: OK, this shit with the Yankees bats being ice cold with RISP is getting out of control. Bases loaded in the fifth? Nothing. Runners at second and third in the sixth? Nothing. Really, guys, what the shit is going on? This is bullshit. This game should be 5-1 right now, not tied 1-1.
Fri - 6:30 PM: Weather permitting, the Greatest Rivalry in Sports* kicks off in about thirty five minutes. Been quite a crazy week for the Yanks, losing Jeter and Posada to injury. Jorge's able to DH at least, but the Captain is doubtful for the three games at Fenway. All that stuff I was saying last week about how great it is that the Yanks are in phenomenal shape and injuries aren't an issue? Yeah, ignore that. But hey, no matter. The bats came alive last night and I feel a bust-out stretch in my bones. In fact, I predict... wait... it's coming to me... hold on......... SWEEP! Yes! Yankees sweep the Sox this weekend. You read it here first.
(*Go ahead. Argue it, bitches. Media hype notwithstanding, you know it's true. And no, Angelos and Chemist, don't give me any of that soccer shit either.)
Tags: baseball
Tracy and I got our Barack Obama support pack in the mail yesterday. Our humble abode now features an Obama lawn sign, the first presidential election sign in our immediate neighborhood*. The Prius is sporting a shiny new Obama bumper sticker, and the Sentra will be shortly. I've got an Obama button on my briefcase strap and Tracy has one on her Yankees jacket. On top of that, we've got an Obama "rally sign" and five round Obama lapel stickers to dispense with, so we're pretty much good to go Obama-wise. Except, wait, I might need a t-shirt. Can't have too many t-shirts.
Originally, I was going to wait until Obama secured the nomination before getting us outfitted with any Obamaccoutrements, but since Hillary's pledged to keep fighting for the nomination until the superdelegates themselves ass-drag her off the stage in Denver, I decided the fuck with it, we're not waiting any more. I just hope there's no karmic cross-over effect from "Toast's Law of Celebratory Sports Clothing". That would suck.
Tags: Barack Obama
Like most political junkies, I can't help but keep my eyes on the big national tracking polls during an election year. We all know that they're pretty much meaningless this far out -- especially when one party hasn't even chosen it's nominee yet* -- but "Obama leads McCain by 3 percentage points nationally" is still mildly interesting. What I can't stand, however, are stupid polls, such as this gem reported on CNN this morning:
Condoleezza Rice has said she has no desire to be John McCain's running mate, but a new poll out Wednesday suggests that duo could beat the Democratic ticket in the bluest of states.
In a new poll conducted by Marist College and WNBC, a McCain-Rice ticket would beat a ticket that includes both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in New York — a state that reliably votes for the Democratic candidate.
But should McCain and Rice team up, the poll suggests the two Republicans would carry New York, defeating a Clinton-Obama ticket by 3 points (49-46 percent) and an Obama-Clinton ticket by 5 points (49-44 percent.)
Put aside, for a moment, the mind-boggling possibility that adding Condoleezza Rice -- a woman who has demonstrated Brownian levels of incompetence both as National Security Advisor and as Secretary of State -- could actually enhance McCain's attractiveness to some voters. What idiot thought that offering poll respondents a choice between McCain/Rice and a hypothetical ticket with Clinton and Obama on it would offer any sort of meaningful insight into the electoral state of play?
Like the now-deceased chimera of a third-party Bloomberg run, this idea of a Clinton-Obama/Obama-Clinton "dream ticket" is something that media and beltway insiders keep yapping about despite the fact that practically no one out here in VoterLand has the slightest desire to see it happen, and I have to assume it's this same weirdly mistaken prejudice that drove these pollsters to posit "Clinton and Obama" as a best-case ticket to go against McCain. There's plenty of reason to suspect, however, that a joint ticket with both Dem candidates - far from being a "dream ticket" - would actually create a kind of anti-synergy, the resulting whole being less than the sum of its parts. And even if you don't buy that, at the very least you have to acknowledge that asking this question now, while the two camps are still locked in battle and their respective partisans are each horrified at the prospect of the other candidate being the nominee, seems to defy common-sense notions of sound public opinion gathering. So why inject such a flawed, pointless, non-story into the news cycle?
Oh. Right.
Tags: John McCain, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Incredibly Stupid Polls
I've got it! I've got it! And... And... And now I can't remember who asked for it.
Fairly recently on one of the blogs I read -- Carpetbagger? The Plank? -- someone had asked "What's the best sports metaphor to describe the state of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination?" Just now, working on a post related to that subject, the answer came to me: It's like a basketball game in the final minute where one team has a pretty much insurmountable lead but the other team keeps fouling them and sending them to the line anyhow, hoping that they can jack up enough three-pointers after missed free throws to miraculously make up the deficit.
We've all seen this. It's not fun to watch. Like repeated attempts by a pitcher to pick off a guy at first base, it's a legitimate thing to do but nonetheless annoying as hell to sit through. Here's the thing about the basketball scenario though: Every fan of the sport can sense when the trailing team gets to a point where there is simply no friggin' chance that they're making the comeback. It's no longer humanly possible. And when the loser-to-be keeps on sending their opponent to the line anyhow, you start to get really pissed off. It's not a matter of them being "scrappy" or showing that they've got a "fighting spirit". The game's essentially over. The right thing to do is let the winner hold onto the ball and dribble out the remaining seconds so that the loser can at least walk off the floor with their dignity intact, but instead everyone gets to watch a painful, time-wasting exercise in futility.
That's what Hillary's doing. Obama's winning this thing, and every fan in the stand knows it, but she keeps sending him to the line.
Now if I could just remember who posed this question...
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, sports metaphors
Although it will no doubt pain his legions of fans and admirers, I think Doug Feith might have to give up the crown of Dumbest Fucking Guy On The Planet. This is not in any way due to the shameless campaign he's currently waging to rehabilitate his image as, well, the Dumbest Fucking Guy On The Planet, but rather because another man who has long coveted the DFGOTP crown has finally made an iron-clad case for himself.
I refer to Senator Joseph I. Lieberman (I - Can't Believe He's My Senator) who just days ago said this:
"Hey, let's be honest about this: The Iraqi political leadership has achieved a lot more political reconciliation and progress since September than the American political leadership has. So we've got to give credit for that."
Now, readers should know that I have never actually administered an intelligence test to Senator Lieberman directly. However, having borne witness for years now to his stubborn promulgation of a Fantasy Iraq as well as his weirdly obsessive denunciations of his own party's activist base, I can estimate Senator Lieberman's I.Q -- with what one might call Fristian certainty -- at approximately -142. That puts him just above (or below) the Idiot Genius threshold. Reliable sources have told me that Feith clocked in at a mere -133, and so I feel confident in declaring that Senator Joseph I. Lieberman (I - Really Hope We Win Enough Senate Seats That We Can Kick This Bitch To The Curb) is indeed the Dumbest Fucking Guy On The Planet.
Tags: Joe Lieberman
"[I]t's dangerous for our children to even know that your philosophy exists!" -- Illinois State Representative Monique D. Davis (D), shortly before attempting to throw a man out of a committee hearing for being an atheist.
Now, it goes without saying that this woman -- who accused "atheist activist" Rob Sherman of having "something against" God and only believing in "destroying" -- should be forced to resign immediately, and indeed efforts are underway to bring that about. On the other hand, she has a point: It is dangerous for children to be made aware of atheism. It's dangerous because sometimes all a child* needs is to hear a simple question or to be presented with an alternative to belief and the whole grand edifice of superstitious, supernatural nonsense comes crumbling down, taking the underlying mechanisms of social control and intellectual constraint with it. To a certain fearful type of mind, I imagine that's a terrifyingly dangerous proposition indeed.
Tags: atheism, religiously bigoted politicians
As I mentioned before, nursing grudges against both the Kansas Jayhawks and John Calipari left me feeling conflicted at the thought of both of them being in the NCAA basketball championship game. This post by Jason Zengerle at The Plank, however, helped me to resolve my dilemma and get my grudges properly prioritized by reminding me of just what a dirty douchebag Calipari has been throughout his career. Given his history, I'm certain I'm not the only person out there this morning who's thinking "Thank you, Kansas, for keeping that jackass from reaching the top of the mountain." (Hell, Temple coach John Chaney probably wore a Jayhawks jersey to bed last night.) So congratulations, Jayhawks. Enjoy your moment of glory. I'll go back to hating you next year.
Tags: NCAA Basketball, John Calipari, Kansas Jayhawks
Horus "Moody Fruitcake" Santos-McBirdstone I thinks Tracy's glasses are the bizzomb as far as perches go. The two of them together here are on the verge of creating a Cuteness Vortex that could suck the entire universe into a tiny little point of infinite happiness. And I'm sorry, but I might just let this happen.
You know the comic strip "Garfield", right? The strip that hasn't been funny in over two decades? Pretty much since the time the cat began to be portrayed standing on his two huge feet? Yeah, but here's something funny. This dude started up a page called "Garfield Minus Garfield". Here's the plug:
Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let's laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.
And he's right. It's better. In fact, under the right chemically-altered conditions, it might be the funniest comic out there.
Hey so yeah, BSG is back, and after watching the season premiere twice (because I was way too hammered to remember watching it Friday night) I have got to say that I AM RIGHT and it is in fact the greatest television show ever. But here's something cool: A site that tracks the number of survivors in the Colonial Fleet. What a concept. As the authors say, we have a more accurate picture of the fatalaties suffered by the Colonials than we do of our own troops in Iraq.
Have I got anything else? Just this from Pete Abraham's blog:
Today was my first look at the manager's office at Yankee Stadium since Joe Girardi took over.
It's the same office Joe Torre left. Same desk, same bookshelf, same refrigerator.
But that was it. Torre had 12 seasons worth of souvenirs crammed onto the bookshelf, all sorts of books, photos, bobblehead dolls and other keepsakes. The photos on the wall were mostly signed shots of celebrities. Frank Sinatra, Muhammad Ali, Mickey Mantle and the like. It was a mini museum.
Girardi's office is spartan by comparison. A few family photos, Jets and Giants helmets, framed photos of some old Yankees and giant containers of whey protein that he apparently mixes into a drink of some sort. The old skipper had his green tea and vitamins; the new one has whey protein.
According to Wikipedia, whey protein is used by body builders. I'm starting to wonder if Girardi wanted to manage the Yankees so he could save money on gym fees.
But what caught my eye immediately was a copy of the Baseball Prospectus 2008 annual on the shelf behind the desk. Baseball Prospectus in the manager's office?
Yep, Joe Torre doesn't live here any more.
I'm sorry, but this makes me happy.
Tags: parakeets, Garfield, Battlestar Galactica, Yankees
Sun - 4:00 PM: Yankees win! Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... Yankees... win!
And in related news, Red Sox lose! Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... Red Sox... lose!
Oh, and by the way? That Chien-Ming Wang guy? We really need to get rid of him.
Sun - 3:30 PM: Joba. Fucking. Chamberlain. That's all I got to say.
Sun - 2:15 PM: Here's some stupid for you: I signed up for MLB.com's MLBTV service this morning around 11:00 AM. I just un-signed-up for it about five minutes ago. Know why? Because Yankees, Mets, and Red Sox games are blacked out from the service in the Hartford area. This makes zero sense to me. I signed up because I wanted the convenience of being able to watch games upstairs in the office on my PC or keep one eye on the game on the laptop while we watch something else on TV. No dice. According to the service rep I talked to, MLB had to sign a non-compete deal with all the local affiliates, meaning the service is pretty much useless unless you're a fan of an out-of-market team. Very aggravated about that. Oh well, at least I can still sign up for their GameDay Audio service and listen to the dulcet tones of John Sterling and Fozzie Bear.
Sun - 12:45 PM: Of course, my prior morning moaning aside, with only one week in the books, everything needs to be taken with a giant helping of salt. I just looked at the standings and, as of this moment, the Devil Rays and Orioles are tied atop the AL East and over in the AL Central the mighty Detroit Tigers have yet to win a game. Something tells me that state of affairs won't hold up. A very funny sport baseball is.
Sun - 11:35 AM: Well, now. The first two games in the Yanks vs. Devil Rays four-game series didn't exactly go so well. Kennedy got clobbered on Friday (although not nearly as badly as LaTroy Hawkins did later in the game), and Pettitte gave up a bunch of runs in his injury-delayed first start of the year. What's really killing the team right now, though, is the lack of any meaningful run support. Top to bottom the lineup is just devoid of life, and through five games they are a dreadful 6 for 37 (.162) with runners in scoring position.
The Wanger goes this afternoon. Here's hoping the bats wake up and give him a little something of a cushion to work with.
Oh, and in non-baseball news, Kansas smacked North Carolina around badly last night. They advance to meet Memphis in the title game. Yeah, that means that the national title will either go to one of my Hated Three (Duke, Kansas, Stanford) or to John Fucking Calipari. Color me horrified.
Fri - 6:00 PM: Hello, baseball fans! It's Friday; it's baseball season. That means it's time for the return of "Talkin' Baseball", our leisurely weekly ramble through the majors. It's not quite the Couch™ (but then, what is?) but it's still a fine spot to kick back and shoot the shit about America's original national pastime. I hope you'll all drop by frequently during the season to gush about your team's successes and lament their failures. Yes, even you Sox fans.
Good opening series for my Yankees. Not a lot of runs scored, but I think that's more an indication of how good Toronto's rotation is this year than anything to do with our offense. Burnett presented an insurmountable obstacle in Wednesday's game, but the Yanks managed to overcome Halladay on Tuesday and McGowan on Thursday. Not bad at all.
The home team's pitching has looked pretty good so far. Wang put any pre-season worries to rest in the season opener, giving up two runs through seven innings. Hughes looked every bit the future ace last night, showing poise and control way beyond his years in a six-inning, two-run performance. I can't tell you how exciting it is watching this guy pitch. His curveball, in particular, is a wonder to behold. Mussina was okay on Wednesday, giving up three runs through 5-2/3 innings. He still worries me, but for now he's all we've got to hold down the #3 spot.
The pen has looked awesome. The only reliever to give up a run so far is Hawkins. Bruney and Traber were solid last night. The real story, though, is the Joba-to-Mo Show. Chamberlain has looked almost as untouchable as last year and Mo has come out with none of the early-season sketchiness he's shown the last two seasons. From what I've gleaned reading Birth Of A Dynasty, it's eerily similar to the Mo-to-Wetteland combo that netted the Yankees their '96 champtionship. So much so that it's certain to stoke the "relieve or close" debate that's erupted around Joba.
Oh, as to the other debate that's erupted around Joba? The one about his fist-pumping histrionics? Fuck off, Haters. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Tonight -- assuming we avoid the rainout -- we get to see Ian Kennedy's 2008 debut. If he can turn in a decent enough performance to beat the Devil Rays, and if Pettitte can come back healthy and ready to rock tomorrow, then the '08 Yankees will be off to a far better start then we've seen in a while.
Tags: baseball
"I'll sit down and go 'That's more entertainment, more twists, more unexpected stuff, more humanity, more shocking, like, extraordinary storytelling than I've seen...' And then they'll run the opening credits." -- Joss Whedon on Battlestar Galactica
The best show on television returns for its final season tonight at 10:00 PM on SciFi. Watch it, or be thought an idiot by Dwight Schrute.
Tags: Battlestar Galactica
Last thirteen:
The Cult - "Born To Be Wild" (Electric)
One of my favorite covers of all time. Rocks way harder than the original.Lyle Lovett - "The Fat Girl" (I Love Everybody)
"She always stayed inside and played piano"John Mayer - "Belief" (Continuum)
"Belief is a beautiful armor - but makes for the heaviest sword"Prince - "Lady Cab Driver" (1999)
"THIS is 4 the women, who r so beautifully complex"The Replacements - "God Damn Job" (Stink)
Sending this one out to Kona. Well, the first verse anyhow.Meat Puppets - "Backwater" (Too High To Die)
I think this song holds the record for Poddery Barn appearences. Good thing I really like it.The Black Crowes - "Stare it Cold" (Shake Your Moneymaker)
Don't you want to know what "stare it cold" means?Rob Zombie - "Perversion" (Hellbilly Deluxe)
Oooooooooooooooooo. Scary music.Nirvana - "Territorial Pissings" (Nevermind)
Gotta say, this album is aging remarkably well. Absolute masterpiece.Soul Asylum - "String Of Pearls" (Let Your Dim Light Shine)
I believe the moral of this story is that everything is, like, totally connected.The Fray - "Fall Away" (How To Save A Life)
"There's something you've said that can't be undone"Rollins Band - "During A City" (Come In And Burn)
Henry Rollins sounds like he needs to relax.Cracker - "Kerosene Hat (Demo)" (Kerosene Hat)
"Here come ol' Sorbet Head"
Tags: music
Am I the only person being driven slightly mad by the continuing assertions from reporters, pundits, and bloggers that Hillary Clinton won Texas? Combining the results of Texas' admittedly odd primacaucus system, Barack Obama came away with 99 delegates and Hillary Clinton with 94. If that's a "win" for Hillary, then perhaps Patriots fans should shake those blues and start celebrating their 14 to 17 Superbowl victory over the Giants. Seriously: Barack Obama won Texas. Continually repeating that he didn't won't make it so.
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Texas
As a weathered arguing veteran whose service goes back way beyond my almost five years of blogging to email lists that generated bajillions of lines of heated back-and-forth, I found this piece by Paul Graham to be both edifying and satisfying. Read it and think about how you conduct yourself online. And yeah, I did too. My biggest fault is DH3. The offense which annoys the fucking shit out of me? DH2. Really, I don't care how fucking angry I seem; If that's your best response - that I'm too angry - shut your hole. (h/t: Avedon)
Tags: disagreement